Jeremy Clarkson quotes...
>
>"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a
>bit like
>having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If
>you've got
>even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
>
>
>"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
>Ladybird Book
>of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of
>rubbish really.
>Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you
>find the
>Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind
>of Jordan
>and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter.
>And lots
>of jelly."
>
>
>"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing
>than
>driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage
>in a
>sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"...
>
>
>"the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
>stepped off
>an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there
>will be
>no war with Germany"
>
>
>"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for
>w****r"
>
>
>On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black,
>with tan
>leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
>
>
>Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a
>greased
>stick out of a pig's bottom'
>
>
>On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:"there is a word to describe this car: it
>begins
>with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot". Hammond:"So its
>fairly
>terrible then?" Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly
>terrible: this is
>another league of badness!"
>
>
>"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people
>- and
>that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a racist
> pig
>faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is that he's
>called
>the Stig!"
>
>
>"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
>Ethiopian
>transvestite"
>
>
>"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
>That's what
>gets you."
>
>
>'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in
>the
>dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
>
>
>"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
>comfortable
>than what... BEING STABBED?"
>
>
>"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
>convertable was
>Adolf Hitler"
>
>
>(Fed up during the caravaning trip)"You aren't allowed to have a
>party, you
>aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games,
>you
>aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet
>of a
>post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This
>is not a
>holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
>
>
>"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people
>carriers. Not
>that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've
>got
>syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."
>
>
>(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less
>painful
>to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
>
>
>"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
>places
>quicker than I do?"
>
>
>Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars
>domain,
>they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the
>road, some
>of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an
>obstruction. Run
>them down to prove them wrong'
>
>
>"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter
>from a
>reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red
>Ferrari pulled
>up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a
>car', and
>drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced,
>leaf-eating N**i"
>
>
>"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
>because they
>don't have wheel-chair access"
>
>
>1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live
>in the
>air for 6 seconds and it does what ebola does to you in 10days in
>10years"
>2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I'm mean the blokes a
>bit
>dodgy"
>3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
>"Well Mr
>Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old cuban
>prostitutes
>which way her parents voted"
>
>
>"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
>affordable
>cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest
>Ferrari of
>them all!"
>
>
>On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire french air
>force
>crashing into a firework factory"
>
>
>"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the
>back because
>of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and
>that's the
>same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."
>
>
>"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the 拢60,000.
>The
>problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
>Hammond:"THAT bad is
>it?" Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole
>different
>league!"
>
>
>In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car,
>put it on
>sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their
>customers
>wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.
>
>
>"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God
> as on
>the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them."
>
>
>Assessing Hammond's crash:Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that
>the tyre
>is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!" Hammond:"I
>had a
>lot on: i was doing 288 mph."
>Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office
>on the
>phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if
>a lion
>walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
>
>
>"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-
>behaved... for a
>murderer."
>
>"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals
>duty to be
>on my plate at supper time"
>
>
>"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality
>of
>stitching... on their face"
>
>"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really
>work. It's
>like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it
>can be
>shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour
>close up
>of some bloke's sweaty face. "
>
>
>"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it,
>if you
>like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it
>helps."
>
>
>"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to
>stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a
>woman!"
>
>
>
>"During the break we got complaints that we don't show enough green
>cars so
>here's one..." Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright
>green
>
>
>Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
>car...
>
>in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a
>President.
>
>
>Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more
>attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a
>camel with
>gingivitis." i agree
it is just a perfect programme
and the jokes are hilarious No way. heck no- plus that's all rehearsed! British Humour is laughing at American incompetance.
Top Gear is car porn for men who are insecure about the size of their "package". |
