Separation anxiety 鈥?Day-care expelled my 21-month-old son.?

I started son in day-care last week. I only planned to have him in there for 2-3 hours twice a week. I always stayed with him for 5-15 mins to make sure he was settled.

His first day he lasted 30 mins before I got phoned up to come back as he was that upset. 2nd day he lasted an hour. This morning he lasted 20 mins before throwing up as he was crying so much.

I was told in a nutshell 鈥渄ay-care is not for my boy鈥?br>
We don鈥檛 have any family or friends around us and don鈥檛 know anyone with young children so cannot leave him with anyone else as a trial.

He is fine being with his 16 year old brother, and 鈥楧ad鈥?alone without me, it鈥檚 just seems to be day-care.

What can I do to help him with missing me so much?

There is 5-6 (under two's) in his room at day-care with two carers...

I'm wondering what the heck kind of daycare this is? I've been working in daycare for over 10 years and even ran my own daycare out of my home, and I have never called a parent to come get their child because he is too upset!

First of all, it's the job of the daycare worker to comfort your son (which is not necessarily an easy task, but should be the number one priority until your son has calmed down at least enough so that he is not hysterical and throwing up.) So if they are not taking this job seriously, you should re-evaluate your daycare teacher. Your son is only 21 months old! He's never been away from you. Of course he's going to be upset. These daycare teachers should know that and be very understanding. The fact that they call after only 20-30 minutes tells me they are not giving your crying, hysterical son very much attention in order to calm him down. How sad.

Second of all, they should not be telling you that daycare is not for your boy. I've seen many "shy" and "attached" children (including my own 2 children!) who still manage to learn how to be away from mommy. It may take a little longer with children like ours, but they should not be given up on!

My suggestion would be to find a new daycare. Find one where there are patient, loving teachers who will work with your son until he feels comfortable. If the good daycares are all booked up, consider in-home daycares or a babysitter-type person who could watch him until something else opens up. In my experience a quieter, in-home center might even be a better option. They will be able to give him more attention, and the environment will be more home-like and comfortable.

If you're concerned about safety, look for licensed in-home daycares. They are usually trained in CPR, have taken training courses, and their homes are inspected regularly for safety. Also, the caregivers usually have to be fingerprinted, or have a background check.

Good luck to you! And remember, there is nothing wrong with you or your son. This is very much the daycare's ineptitude.

It might help if he had more experiences with others. Maybe take him regularly to any library programs, plus enroll him in a mommy and me class at gymnastics, or take him to the park really often. As he is around others more [even if you don't know anyone with kids his age], he will see that others can be fun as well as Mommy.

He will grow out of this.

What makes you think that it's just that he's missing you? I don't mean to be mean, I just think there may be other reasons he had such a hard time at daycare. Just because you waited until he was 'settled' when you were there, it doesn't mean that things didn't change drastically once you left. Daycares can be scary places. I just can't imagine a child being so inconsolable that you'd call the Mom back that soon. I've worked at a daycare and never had a kid who we couldn't calm down, if we honestly tried. Maybe it was too much stimulation, or maybe the daycare workers were not very caring in how they treated him when he was upset. Is there a lot of kids at this daycare? Maybe a small home daycare with only a few kids would still work. Or maybe you have to make double sure that the people you leave him with will give him lots of loves and snuggles when he's dropped off, until he's adjusted to the new place. Good luck~

Poor thing...they sould have just let him cry it out. It's hard when they are young. I would cry for my mom as a child for a long time and then eventurally I would stop then go play with my sisters. Its hard to watch you baby cry like that but you have to do thing like work to feed them. Good luck sweetie.

Wow, that daycare you took him to is pretty impatient.

I work at a daycare and all the kids that transitioned from the infant room to the 1 year old room had really hard times (or if they never been in a daycare before and came into the 1s room)
They would cry all day for a whole week, sometimes up to 2 weeks. But we got through it. Usually parents would bring in their favorite blankeys and toys to help them a little.

It just takes alot of patience for the daycare to help him
Other than that theres pretty much nothing you can do

Try taking him to day care on a day that you can stay with him the entire time. Unfortunately, you'll probably have to pay for the time you are spent there with him. But it will get him comfortable around others, yet he still has you with him. Maybe it'll take 2 or 3 times, but eventually he will feel safe enough around the day care providers and other children that you will be able to leave him there.

Were you with him every day up until last week when he started daycare? If so, that's why. All of a sudden, where did mommy go and who are all these strangers and I want my mommy NOW! He needs to be eased into this more slowly because of his age. Leaving them when they are much younger is much easier. Now he is old enough to comprehend that mommy is not in the room and he doesn't like it one bit. I don't blame him. Talk to your pediatrician. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry.

some children simply aren't ready for people other than mom, dad, and family at that age. why is he only going for 2-3 hrs? is the daycare staff friendly and nurturing to his needs? or do they looked bored and unresponsive to him crying? if he doesn't need to go, then stop forcing him to go. but if it is a necessity (work) then talk to him about it the night before, tell him you'll always come back for him, and give him a favorite toy to hold on to until you come back. remind him to play with the other kids who want to be his friend. try to point out all the fun things he'll do.

maybe your little boy just needs to adjusts to the daycare and get used to it or maybe he was shy or it was to much for him but i wouldnt give up on daycares for him there are alot of caring people there that take care of children and are familiar with this or maybe you should ease him into it after awhile he should get used to it and before you know it he will be telling you all about it so dont give up hang in there everything will be alright i promise you and he does love his mommy it is just everything is so new to him hell do just fine mom

Hey this may sound realy od but what i you gave him a pic he can keep in his pocket. when i worked at a daycare there was this lil boy who went crazy shortly after mom left. so we made a plan we got him a pic of her and when he got sad he would look at it and he would be ok. you should take a pic of you and him and give it to him and tell him that he is a big boy now and mommy has to go out and go to work or where ever it is you need to go and that you will be back later and if he misses you he can look at the pic.

Don't take it personally, but in a nutshell, he sounds like my kid used to be, SPOILED and up MOM's REAR all the time. draw yourself away from him slowly...notice I said DRAW yourself away, not WITHDRAWL yourself from him. There's a difference. He is looking up to you as the primary leader of his life for all his needs and reason's. You need to give him reason to trust in himself. He's at that age where he want's to be mommy's little boy, and mommy will give in to him, so he can get whatever he want's and needs all the time. NOT GOOD!

I would not pin it to your son. Most kids will stop crying within 5-10 mins of being dropped at daycare with most separation anxiety. It sounds to me that it was actually the daycare with the problem. Daycare employees should know how to sooth a child and make them feel secure. They also should know that it can take kids a while to get used to childcare, and should not be calling you to pick him up for crying, especially not on the first day there. Alot of daycares are understaffed and above the ratio for the number of kids. So the daycare provider more than likely was one of those, and didnt have the patience to work with a child who had never been to daycare.
I would look for another childcare. If you have a good amount of them in your area, interview providers before choosing one. Also balance the quality versus the cost. So if you find one that wants an extra $50 a month for instance, be sure to look at the extra benefits. Also take your son to each one and let him play for about an hour. Watch how the providers or workers interact with the kids and "How the other kids are acting towards the provider!" This is a very very good way to tell how you can expect your own child to act with the provider. This is often an overlooked factor in choosing childcare that can be vital to your childs well-being.
As far as how to tackle separation anxiety, as bad as it may make you feel, dropping your child off and not lingering around is the best way. I spent the first couple of weeks bawling on the way to work when my son started daycare when he was 10 months old.

It could be that he just isn't ready for day care yet. Some children adjust well, and others don't. You can tell the staff at the day care, that you expect them to calm him down when he is crying. If he hasn't been with any other sitters, other than brother and dad, then it is hard for a child that age to adjust to a stranger. You may want to see how he does with a sitter for an hour or two at your home. Let him get used to having other people take care of him.

sorry about that & no i can't help you ! my son could not even be left with an Aunty he knew well till he was about 4 years old, he just screamed non stop so loud that my sisters neighbours asked what was up with him!! IT may be a boy thing they can be sooks even as adults haha :)

its a huge transition for kids but not quite surew why they kicked him out!

I had to leave my kids when they were 2 1/2 and 14mos. I have 2 obviously but my son the 2 1/2 yr old at the time was hysterical in the begining it made me cry but we toughed it out and the day care even said since they had never been in child care before it would be a transition. They were wonderful and within 3 weeks he was fine and loved it!

I had to work so they started 1-2 days a week .

If there is no necessity for it , DON'T DO IT !

There is absolutely no advantage for the poor little kid & it could be totally counter productive for when he has to start .

Better to spend the short time you'll have him at home together....he'll learn more from you spending that one on one time discovering the world around him !

Even if the day care is new, if their staff are experienced, they shouldn't have given up so easily on your son; and neither should you.

Perhaps you could stay longer? Let you son know you'll stay there with him an d have fun. Maybe stay the whole time one day. Perhaps half the time the next, then an hour if you have too. Have fun with him and let him know that it's a fun place to be. And be consistent. Let him know that this is something you both have to do, and that it will be OK.

If you haven't involved him in other activities where he will be separated from you for a bit, then see if you can get involved in some. Do you attend church? Is there a children's oriented gym/studio nearby that you could enroll him in a gymnastics or karate class? Perhaps a library that has a children's reading time? These might be opportunities to drop him in to an activity and you can be nearby and gradually get to where he is doing the activity without you.

Also, try to find someone to care for him in your home other than your older child. Do you have a neighborhood association? Ours lists babysitters. Is there a Mom's club in your area where mom's trade baby sitting services for one another? I never participated in that kind of co-op, but it might be good to join one and develop friendships for your child that way. Does your older son know any other teenagers that might be willing to babysit?

I know that you don't want your child to cry the entire time you are away from him, but he will get used to it. And your day care should be experienced enough to deal with it. Don't give up. You don't want to be sitting through Kindergarten with him because a teacher can't deal with a child with separation anxiety when she's got 19 other 5 year olds to teach.

Good luck!

I'd say try doing playdates with several kids and moms in your home. He gets to play with other kids and be around other people and ease into the classroom feel. Do it regularly and every so often change the people and kids. Then test it and leave him with the moms and kids for five, ten minutes and then more and more time. He gets the feel of you not being there but he is still in a comfortable place with people he knows.

My daughter never went to daycare for that same reason, she was very attached to me (and me to her). When I left her one day to go to a job interview with my best friend and her two sons I realized that I just needed to ease her into it. She was fine with them and never cried. Now at five she is ok with it. She won't cry if I leave, even though she will whine if she gets bored about how she misses me. Lucky for her (and me) that she spends most her time with me anyway since I homeschool now.

K Bear, I understand what you're saying, but day-care is not for every child. Some do well while others have a hard time adjusting. There is nothing wrong with your child not feeling secure in day - care. If anything, your child has a strong family bond and that is good.
I, personally never left mine in any kind of child care. They have too many children to look after to give each child the amount of attention they need. They don't have the time to try to make your child feel secure and happy while there are other children needing things.
If you need a break, look into hiring a babysitter. Have the person come to your house for visits first so your child is use to the person. Then, leave for short periods of time until your child is more settled.
I wish you luck and hope things work out.

try going to local community centre for a play group or mommies group so he gets used to other people. call local schools they may have list of daycare providers (stay at home parents that look after other peoples kids).

We had problems like that with our first little one....

My wife started taking him to Playgroups 1 or 2 days a week, to get him use to playing with other kids. My wife slowly moved further away each time.

Give him another 6 to 12 months... he will be alright.

try another day-care. maybe something or someone there makes him unhappy or uncomfortable. you have to find a caregiver that can help him feel confidant and secure when you're not around

He's just adjusting.. if he's never been left with anyone but you,dad or brother then he's out of his comfort zone. Also being 21 months & just starting childcare the adjustment period will take longer. Think about it.. 2/3 hours, twice a week is not long enough for him to realize that he can have fun without you. You should put him in for at least 2 full days a week at the minimum to let him adjust. Then later down the road if you prefer to only take him a few hours, then you could have that option. Because he's almost 2 he really does need the social/physical interaction with the other children. Your good-bye's need to brief, the longer you drag it out, the longer he will expect you to stay. NEVER sneek out! That will make him not trust you. Just give him hugs & kisses, tell him that you love him & that you'll be back after "nap" or "snack" to get him, then say good-bye & leave.
Also you might want to look at another daycare or center, it seems like that one is not compassionate/understanding /experienced enough. Good Luck & give it some time :)

I would wait for the other day cares to have on opening. Until then, why not look for a play group in your area, or put an ad in your local newpaper looking for a playgroup.