What do we do when our elderly father refuses care from a careworker in fathers home?

father has disabling condition and refuses to have careworker assist him in shower.he needs help washing and drying.

he has problems with soiling himself and we found lately his underarms are red raw and his back has thick scabs of skin, like cradlecap

maybe he dont want help yet. its hard for them to say they need help. maybe talk to him and the caregiver. maybe they can assit when needed. u can buy him a chair like stool for the shower that way he can sit and do more on his own. would u want a stranger helping u in the shower?

He should be encouraged to do as much as he can for himself and being honest is he going to die of dirt?

let him smell, I doesn't need a shower every day.

Very very difficult situation, you must constantly explain to him the reasoning for it and that he is going to suffer should he continue to refuse and how hurt that is making you feel at the thought of him suffering, It is so embarrassing and belittling to think that someone has to do this for you, so putting yourself in his shoes we can understand where the stubbornness comes from, just persevere with your persuasion and hope that you break through his pride, bless him and you.

Legally you can not make him accept help. If you can get him to agree to having the care giver there :(just in case): and ask her to try to stay out of his way, don't do anything unless he asks, let him get to know her as a person, he may come around. I have stayed with the elderly and MR/DD for over 20 years, it can be very difficult for the patient, family and the caregiver. Ask her if she would offer to take him for a ride, start out with her showing him places she likes, then ask if he has an old neighborhood, church, home that he would like to visit. It may take several times of offering be for he will go. Does the care giver allow him input on meals, shopping, when to shower. Do not allow her to come in and change his routine, your father is finding it difficult and scary to give up his independence. I could go on at great length with hints, do and don'ts but mostly just make sure you have a kind and qualified caregiver. If you have specific questions feel free to email me directly. I don't have all the answers, but after 20 years I've got a lot of them.

good luck & God bless vmh

Dignity is the biggest culprit of refusal of care. Is the caregiver: young/old, female/male, matteroffact/dainty, verbal or standoff. These questions are things he can answr for you. He may need help with only certain quadrants of his body and doesnt want other areas done by anyone. If he cant do them at all who would he like to do them? He is having huge role change issues also and always put yourself in his place would you be comfortable with help from someone younger, opposite sex, "iffy" about care? We will all be there some day dont be offened and allow him/her to vent. The "golden" years are not as pleasant as most have expected.