What would you do? Take care of your elderly mother and not earn a living, or ......( you better see more!)?

have a good paying job and not be with your mom. This is what is happening: My mom is very old - 92 yrs. (she had me very late in life) and because I am the youngest and unmarried, I suppose I was elected to take care of both my parents. My dad died in '02 of alzheimers - but I had to move here to Florida in 97 cause he broke his hip. Enuff of the life story, LOL!!!!!!!!!! At any rate, I now take care of mom by cleaning and cooking for her, but I really dont get paid for it. I could have a good job as a secretary, but that would mean I couldnt take care of her. And no way would I ever pay some stranger to be with her. So, what would you do? Be poor and spend all the time with your mom, or earn a living and neglect your mom? I am the only one that lives near her in the family.
I have a very small trust from when dad passed and get $135 a week to live on. My utility bills are paid from the trust. However, I cant make ends meet. soooo, what to do?

I need to explain myself a bit better. I love taking care of my mother. Hands down, no regrets at all. People are right when they say that Mom took care of us when we were kids, even as adults, and I feel it is my turn now. She is not a burden, I enjoy helping her and being with her and spending time with her. Oh, the wisdom older people have! I just am probably being selfish and could use a helping hand so I can go out and live a full life. Unfortunately, help costs money, and she does not qualify for assistance.. but, we dont have the money to pay for any either. She tries not to be a burden, and there is no way I would EVER put her in some kind of a nursing home. She is quite happy where she is but thanx to all for the encouragement. I guess that is really what I needed, a little support. Now that I think of it, are there not support groups out there for this? Hmmmmmmm, will check it out. And remember, we will get old someday. Who will take care of us? thanx again, Ls

Your mom is truly fortunate to have you. Your question shows a lot of concern, insight and a sense of humor! Bravo for you!

As you know already, being a family caregiver is a big job! This is true whether you are a "live with your your elderly mom or dad" caregiver or whether you are caring from "long-distance." The first step is to find resources that might help you and your mother get answers now and help you to "keep caring."

The first stop for information about resources that can help you and your mother is your local Area Agency on Aging serving the county where you and your mother lives. These organizations know how to listen to seniors and their family members and can provide guidance and advice that may be of great help to you and your mother. Because they work with family caregivers, they know the dilemma you face--staying home to care or to be gainfully employed outside of where you live.

You can call 1-800-677-1116 toll free to find out the phone number of the local Area Agency on Aging office. When you call the Area Agency office, ask for the person who provides "Information and Assistance" or "Help for Family Caregivers." If you make this call, I am confident that you will find friendly and helpful people.

It's important to know that Area Agencies on Aging provide helpful assistance to family caregivers like you. Also, these organizations aren't selling a particular service, "insurance plan" or other product. The information you'll receive will come from people who talk to seniors and families every day and who will provide you objective information about options.

When you talk with the folks at the Area Agency on Aging ---you should ask about services that might be available to you as a family caregiver. Of course, ask about available in-home services that may be needed for your mom now or in the future. These services are for the seniors' benefit as well as for family caregivers like you. Area Agences on Aging also have information about

Sometimes in-home services are available on a "cost share" basis and the costs of services are based on the seniors' income or assets. If your mother is very low income and has significant needs that put her at risk of going to a nursing facility, you should ask the Area Agency on Aging folks if the state where you live has something called a "Medicaid waiver." If your state has a Medicaid program that covers individuals with disabilities and or frail elders, there may be Medicaid funding to pay toward in-home care. It is possible that your state might pay you a subsidy to provide in-home care that your mom needs. State governments are coming to realize the importance of having in-home services--with the involvement and support of family caregivers--as an option in the funding of services needed by frail older Americans.

Finding a attorney who specializes in public benefit or family law might also be advisable. Your mom, you and other family members will want to figure out arrangements for "powers of attorney" and have a "living will" in place --and throughly discussed -- before an emergency arises. Your Area Agency on Aging would have information about these matters and would know how to connect you with professionals who specialize in this. Usually the Area Agency has "boiler plate" versions of these types of documents to get conversations in this sensitive area started. If your mother is low-income, the Area Agency may know of legal services that can help deal with these kinds of legal matters.

If you call the Area Agency on Aging and like the help that you receive, let your county elected officials know and tell your members of Congress. Area Agencies don't have big budgets--in fact appropriations for most services funded under the Older Americans Act have not increased significantly in 25 years! You will not be charged for the information you receive, however, any financial contribution you or your mom might make for the time and assistance devoted to your situation would be very welcomed--and would go toward helping more of your older friends and neighbors and their caregivers.

I hope this helps. Thanks for a great question and for being a family caregiver. Best wishes and good luck to you and your mom and to your family!

Your Mom is lucky to have you. There are secretarial type jobs that you can do at home. You could do transcription work or look into becoming a Virtual Assistant. It's like being an Administrative Assistant only everything is done online or over the phone and you can work from home. That way you can still work and get paid for it and also be home with your Mom at the same time.

Your mom needs you. What else can you do but be with her and make it work. You'll always regret it if you leave her now for a better paying job. It will be difficult but you must believe that someone is taking care of you, too.

Don't be too afraid of getting some help. Either from a cna or personal care aid. People who work in this field are truly caring and personable individuals who won't be strangers for long. That might enable you to work maybe part time so you can better make ends meet and give yourself some time to take care of you too. Lots of communities will have resources you can tap in to.

She's your Mother and I can't believe your questioning what to do, she was there for you all those years. If you have to go to any kind of social assistance program to get help, do so. Your number one priority should be her, she has no one but you, don't let her down, she didn't do it to you when you needed her.. If you fail her and leave her when she needs you, it will haunt you, and you will regret doing it to her....She's 92, she doesn't have many years left, make them comfortable for her in any way you can...We only have one Mom...

I commend you for being a dedicated daughter...But, I would never want my child to give up their whole life to take care of me...It seems like you might be able to find a part time job away from mom, just to give you an occasional change of pace, and for the extra cash...There are plenty of well trained people who could come in to give you a hand...Chances are that her care could be paid for [depending on her financial situation]...Even if you don't get a job away from your mom, you should plan to spend some time, outside of the home, with your friends...No one will think any the less of you for needing time for yourself.... Good luck with your mom..

At 92 how much longer do you think she will live?
I'm confused, if you work and don't take care of her, who will?
Are you happy taking care of her or are you making her feel like she is a burden? If you are happy taking care of her, then continue to take care of her and let the future take care of itself. When she is gone, all the money you can make for the rest of your life won't bring her back. But if you don't want to be there taking care of her, she can tell it. I am sure she already feels like she is a burden.
I can only say what I did in the past, I took care of my M-I-L and never regretted one minute of it. I am now blessed beyond belief. I wish I had her back. I miss her.
If you can't make ends meet, does she get any money?
It takes one mother to take care of all of her children but all of her children can't take care of one mother.
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EDITED: My dear girl. Please don't think I was trying to put a guilt trip on you. That is the last thing I wanted to get across. I admire you and applaud you for even getting this far and not putting her in a "home" I only wanted to ask questions that maybe would help you make up your mind. It seems like the burden always falls on one child. No matter how many there are in the family. My best friend is going through the same thing right now too and she has siblings that doesn't help.

I am sure you remember when Princess Diana was killed? My father was in the hospital and the doctors didn't give him the night to live through. The next day he was alive and the Princess was dead and my husband asked me, " If you had to pick which one would have died last night, would you have picked your father or Princess Diana".

We just never know how long we have left and I just wanted to ask you things that I am sure you have thought of but I wanted to make sure. I wasn't judging you. I wish I could give you the money you need to pay your bills so this would not even have to be a question but life isn't always that easy.

You are in my prayers. Please don't take offense to anything I wrote. I've already been where you are now and I (thank GOD) made the right choices. I pray you are able to also. Sleep in peace tonight and leave it in God's hands, He will be up all night anyway.

Wow, 92, that is so awesome. And your are so lucky to have your mum with you still. (mine passed away at 74).
I'm sure that you love mum so much, yet I think you should speak with your other family and explain to them, after all you not your mums only child.
Best wishes for you and your mum.