I need some simple advice. I have never cared for an elderly person before, how do I do this successfully?

My mother in law is in her 70's & smoked since age 19. She now is in stage 4 copd & we have her under hospice care. Now she stays in her house & is still mobile, however, she has nurses that come once a week & a home health aid that comes twice a week. My ma in law doesn't like to go anywhere & she doesn't want to get baths. She puts the nurse off all the time. So you have to know that this house smells like old lady. She keeps me & my hubby on the go, but we at least get breaks from her. Today I came in the house & smelled smoke (she was required to quit after getting oxygen) but she still sneaks the smokes. We just got thru installing a $8,000 a/c system but ma in law still smokes anyways.
Why would her doctor place her under hospice care? How can I have more patience. I am not mean, I just get frustrated sometimes with her. She has started asking me where I am going, how long, etc. and I am not even her kid. Any advice appreciated. Thanks.

A patient is referred to hospice when it is deemed that he/she is terminally ill and has 6 months or less to live. In some states, hospice will now accept those with chronic, debilitating illness who have no hope of recovery but for whom death isn't imminent.

Accept her for who she is -- she's not going to change at this stage of her life. I understand your frustration, I truly do. Try to put yourself in her place. Try to imagine what it's like for her. You have only to use your eyes. Encourage her to smoke outdoors and away from her oxygen. It doesn't matter if she smokes. Try to appreciate her interest in you and your activities. Her world is now restricted to her home.

She must be bored. Get her to talk about family history, you could learn a lot more about your husband's side of the family. If you can't persuade her to get her baths, perhaps you and her son could clean her house for her once a month. That would improve some of the odor problem and make it a little more bearable for the nurses and home health aide that come by.

Make a point of speaking to one of the nurses. They know your in-law and I don't. The nurses may have more suggestions.

simple? yeah right...

hospice care is essentially meant for the terminally ill....saying that, i mean, she doesn't have much longer to live. hospice care is comfort care. the best advice i can give you is to comfort her, perhaps open some windows for fresh air and to de-smoke the house as well, that is, since she doesn't want to go anywhere. can you blame her? she knows that she is dying soon and perhaps this is how she wants to live the rest of her life out. when someone is in hospice care, it usually means they have about 6 months to a year left. if even that. so with that, just show her the love that she deserves and desires.

the elderly get lonley and scared when a sibbling or others they are close to leave for any length of time. I suggest before you leave you tell her you are leaving and how long you expect to be gone, that will relieve some of her anxiety. As far as the smoking goes, she will probably not ever quit until she can't take a breath. My grandfather sat right next to his oxygen tank and smoked for years before he died of copd. You have to have tons of patients with them because they know they are dying and are silently frightened and angry about the whole thing. Be loving and kind and it will pay of because you know in your heart you are doing an act of kindness and love, it's hard but possible, I am now taking care of my 93 year old mother, she is in heart failure and bed ridden, I am 64 and running my head off too. Good luck, and keep your chin up!! What goes around comes around.

Judy

WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS I CARED FOR MY MOTHER BEFORE SHE PASSED AWAY, SHE HAD EMPHYSEMA, I ALSO LOOKED AFTER MY FATHER WHO HAD COPD HE PASSED AWAY A FEW MONTH AGO, & APART FROM THE USUAL THINGS- FOOD- ETC, JUST BE THERE FOR HER, TALK TO HER & LISTERN TO HER STORIES & MOANS, AS FOR SMOKING MY MAM STOPPED ABOUT 6 MONTH BEFORE DIED, BUT MY DAD DIDNT STOP HE SAID HE HAD SMOKED FOR YEARS & WASNT STOPPING NOW HE WAS 78, HE DIDNT DRINK OR GO OUT SO HE WERNT GOING TO STOP, YOU ARE QUITE LUCKY AS WE DIDNT HAVE ANY HELP FROM ANYWHERE WE DID THE CARE ALL BY OURSELF, NO HOME HELP NO HOSPICE NO NO-ONE, JUST US, BUT I WOULDNT CHANGE A THING, YES IT IS HARD VERY HARD, SOME TIMES YOU FEEL YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT FOR THEM MOANING, BUT AS LONG AS YOU DO YOUR BEST ITS OK, I FEEL ALL THEY REALLY NEED IS COMPANY SOMEONE TO TALK TO CHAT ABOUT OLD TIMES, ASK ABOUT WHERE YOU HAVE BEEN, JUST HANG ON IN THERE LOVE, BECAUSE BELIEVE ME YOU ARE DOING JUST FINE AS YOU ARE, JUST MAKE SURE SHE IS COMFY & FED, TAKE TIME TO CHAT TO HER, I KNOW ITS NOT YOUR MAM BUT ASK HER ABOUT YOUR HUBBYS PAST, I THINK BACK A LOT OF THE CHATS I HAD WITH MY PARENTS THEY WERE VERY GOOD SOMETHING TO HOLD ON TO, A LOT OF THE TIME THEY ARE JUST BORED & FED UP, NOTHING TO DO & CANT DO NOTHING ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU,