Question for senior citizens...?

I love my parents, but I dread calling them.

My dad has alzheimers and his conversations focus on his bowel movements and his health. He has very little else he wants to talk about.

My mom is hard of hearing, and she barely can hear me, even if she has her hearing aids in her ears. She also spends the time focusing on what is ailing her and even if I try to steer the conversation to anything else, it's a long spiel on how they are doing physically.

I try to steer the conversations to other things than their latest physical problems, but that's the typical extent of a 20 minute conversation. I do care about their health, but how can I get them to focus on something, anything else???

They live in a nursing home well over 1000 miles away, and I'm at the point, I dread calling them. And they notice I don't call very often.

I love them, any suggestions on how to steer the conversations to something else???

I did go out and visit them this summer. But I get no benefits and no paid time off. So I can't afford to drive out there very often. With 4 days of travel, I need a minimum of 7 days of travel time.

Easy, you do all the talking, and they won't have a chance. The problem is that you feel guilt, oh, yes you do, and so there are too many pauses in your conversations. Before you call, write out a brief outline of what you want to say, or what you want to ask, then, when you call them, the only pauses will be for their answers or comments. My husband's mother is not in a nursing home, but she lives 200 miles away, and he makes sure when he calls her, that he's ready to fill in the gaps.

Their health is pretty much the focus of their lives--and probably what they talk about with their friends at the home.

Why not just talk about yourself and your life?

Continue calling often and be patient with them. You may not be that far away in following in their footsteps.

Think of all the patience your parents have shown towards you and be thankful that you still have them with you. Many of us would give just about anything to have their parents alive now.

Try sending them a card or letter expressing your love and gratitude for being the wonderful parents that they are.
I'm sure they would love to see it in writing.

God Bless You.

I understand how you feel. Probably it isn't pleasant where they're sitting, either.

Might be it's just a matter of bellying up to the bar, pull in your gut and listen. You won't have to much longer, and if you do it you'll feel better afterward when you won't have to listen anymore.

Honey...they are never going to focus on anything but their immediate needs and concerns. They are facing end of life issues and as Betty Davis once said..."It ain't for sissies" and she was one tough lady. Call the phone company about getting mom an attachment for the hearing impaired. Listen and discuss their concerns...they won't be around much longer and you might learn something that will help you when you get where they are now. I talk with an elderly lady nightly for an hour. I do so because she is alone and fearful. We never know if we will be in the same position. Say a prayer for Perseverance and call often. You are the one they hope will hear, love and understand them. You are the Mommy now and they are the children who need your love, hugs and to sooth all their worries and hurts. It's the circle of life.

Tell them about what's going on in your life. Send them lots of pictures so they'll have an idea of what you've been up to.
This is so sad. Just picture your poor mom, listening to your dad discuss his b.m.'s every day. If you think it's hard on you, consider what she's going through.

Maybe if you called them more often they would talk about other subjects. As you live so far away from them do you write to them too. If you wrote to them they would have other subjects to talk to you about. If they are noticing that you are not calling so often they are maybe scared that you are going to stop calling completely. Write and phone. Good luck, it must be hard for you too seeing them deteriorate like they are doing but your folks will like it if you call more.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU CALL?
DAD WATCH SPORTS AT ALL?
MOM WATCHES WHELL OR ANYTHING.
MY PARENTS WERE SICK AND I WAS 3300 MILES AWAY. CALLING WAS SAME THING, SO I WROTE TO THEM. CAN THEY HAVE A LAP TOP MACHINE? MANY ALTERNATIVES TODAY IN THIS NEW AGE.

Please try to be patient and listen to them. Just the sound of your voice is a precious gift to your parents. Call them regularly and if you get a gap in the recital of their ailments then tell them what you have been doing. God bless you for caring about them.

I don't want to sound mean, but what would you do if they were living with you? All you have to do is listen, that's it that's your job just listen. Focus on something else, I don't think so. I understand it's hard to think your parents got to this point of there life and its so sad for them and yourself. My heart goes out to you and your family, stay strong be patient and just listen you won't regret it. You and your parents will be in my prays. Good Luck to you.

You know what, I take care of my parents. They live in their own home. For the most part dad talks about the same stuff over and over. I still listen to every thing that he says to me and act as though that was the first time that he said it to me.

Now mom, I don't know how to describe her. I guess you could say that she would gripe if she got hung by a new rope. With her, when she starts talking about some thing that I don't want to talk about, I try to change the subject as soon as possible.

But no matter what, I deal with what is going on with both of them. I am sure that they both put up with a lot worse stuff with me when I was growing up. That lasted 18+ years. Now I am taking care of them. I don't think that I will be doing this as long as they did it with me, (I wish). But no matter what is said or done by them, I am going to enjoy them to the hilt as long as I can. It is some times very hard to deal with what I have to deal with. But I am very thank full for each and every day that I still get to spend and talk with my parents as one day they will be gone.

Just keep some thing in your mind during this time with them. One day down the road you to are going to be where they are now. Treat them now as you want to be treat when you are there your self.

If you could set up something with the home, such as supervised computer access. I was IMing a friend in Greece and he started talking over my computers speakers! I plugged in my head set and we talked from Pacific coast of Mexico all the way to Crete for over an hour and half and it was free! It's right here on Yahoo. But bear in mind, what are you paying for? Isn't that the purpose when old folks are placed in "a Home"? To provide diversions and activities. Gee, those 20 minutes can really cut into your fun time. They won't be around forever

My mother has had Mauchausin's Disorder for as long as I can remember. A new book "How we Are Sick" describes in detail the neurotic aspect of illness. Your parents are hopelessly mentally obsessed with health issues. At their age nothing but an act of God will change them. I visit my mother twice a week at the Nursing Home where she lives (at the point of death) for two and a half years. Well before that she was in the bed at home, telling everyone about her feigned diseases. I'm oh so weary of hearing the things you mention and understand your lack of motivation to call or visit.
I've been told that no matter how difficult they are you'll miss your parents when they're gone. When my dad died I experienced the truth of this statement. If you invest in them you'll never regret it, no matter how annoying they are.
Bless you!
Juju

This makes me so very sad. I am 65 and have 2 sons and 2 daughters who love me so much and show it constantly. I also have wonderful loving grandchildren. Seven years ago I was involved in a bad auto accident ( an ambulance on the way to an emergency hit me, right on the driver's side where I was).
For almost a year my memory was awful. I couldn't remember the names of things, or people. I repeated myself over and over. I realized this was going on but I could do nothing about it. I went to therapy and worked hard to regain my memory. My children who lived out of state called daily and visited. My girls here called me and came over daily. They put up with my repeating, asking over and over what something was called, helped me relearn. As I sit here right now I think how my heart would have been broken if they had griped about me focusing so much on myself back then etc. They proved to me, in all of the wonderful, loving ways, that when I do get to where your parents are now, that they won't abandon me, disregard me or ignore me. I am very sad for your parents. I think you are ( from what I read ) a very selfish person.
Can you really not take a few minutes from your life and call your parent's weekly? Can't you tolerate listening to your Dad's talking about his health? What else do you think he has to chat about when he's in a Nursing Home....his latest vacation trip or his best bowling score? And can't you talk to the person in charge in the Home about getting a telephone that has hearing impaired adjustments? Probably your Mom needs new hearing aids, can't you see that Medicaid gets that taken care of? When I think of some of the old folks that I used to see in an Assisted Living Facility where I worked for a year who cried because their kids never called or visited
I want to cry just thinking of yours. I so wish I still had mine here to talk to no matter what condition they were in. Buck up and do the right thing for crying out loud. I'm praying for you to be their for them and for them not to notice when you aren't.
I do understand that it can be difficult for you too , but they'll be out of your life soon enough.

You probably will not like this answer, but they are not going to change. They want to hear your voice. Is it really too much for you to listen for 20 minutes to this stuff? It means so much to them, let them rag on about whatever....it cannot possibly hurt you, but it helps them greatly. There are things in life that none of us wants to do, but we do them anyway. There will be time enough for you NOT to hear them...don't be one that wishes he had listened after there is no longer a voice on the other end of the phone....please? Phil

I doubt that there is much that goes on in a nursing home worth talking about and it is important to them that you know what they are going through on a daily basis. They are probably finding as difficult as you are. Try to send them more letters about your life and then after you talk to them about their physical problems they will be able to relate to topics pertaining to you. It is hard to find things to talk about when you are not a part of someones life

If they have no diversions in the nursing home, naturally they
would be caught up in their ailments. You don't have to even
be elderly to be guilty of that. I relate, in that my late MIL
would always give us the same health run downs when we'd
call. Or she'd think of something else to run by us. She wanted
attention. And she'd get it the only way she could. And that
was in complaining about this and that health wise. And we
learned she didn't even have the health issues she claimed.
But she did have one thing wrong that we discovered after
going down and spending time with them awhile. She was
addicted to pain killers and would do anything to get them,
either in pill or shot form. And she'd go through withdrawl if
she couldn't get the amount into her system that she was
used to having. Now your parents are in a nursing home.
Do you know anything about that facility. Have you ever
checked up on their policies of how they are to take care
of patients that can take care of themselves. Or those
who need assisted living? I do know that in some places,
the staff dope up the very elderly to keep them patient and
in a state of 'la la' as I call it. They are less troublesome
in that state of mind. Staff don't want extra work, and
will dope a patient to keep them tranquil and less bothersome. Often putting them in their room in a wheelchair
and they will fall asleep from drugs in their chairs.
Is there anyone who can check up on your parents for you?
I'd find someone that was willing to just walk in and take the staff
by surprise and see how well your parents are doing. Don't
ever assume that your parents are getting the best of care.
Because they might not be. A case in point, my oldest friend
transferred her mother from an an apartment in a senior
estates, she would walk to the dining room to eat her meals.
But she became too forgetful about meds and other things,
so my friend had her moved three hours closer to her and
she was placed in an assisted living facility. My friend fixed
up her room with her pictures and new furniture, and she
was in there two days, and died. Her mother indicated
after she'd been there a few hours, that a nurse had gotten
cross with her and scolded her like a child. When my friend
went to see her mother on the second day, they had her
so doped up, she didn't even know her daughter. She was
catatonic and never shifted her eyes to look at her daughter.
She was in bed, and not up sitting, as normal. My friend
was trying to talk to her, when she suddenly died, right then
and there. There was no explanation. Everyone denied
knowing anything was wrong. So there was no proof of
mistreatment, other than knowing the nurse had scolded
her mother. And her mother was sad and depressed from
that experience that first day. But to come back the next
day and find her mother so drugged she wasn't even
functioning, was more than my friend could bare. But she
felt her hands were tied. All she could do was make
arrangements for cremation, and remove her mothers'
things ASAP, so they could make room for another
patient. Cold and heartless!
So if you can't handle the topics your parents are
wanting to complain about, remember, you too may be
lucky to live as long. And someone will have to take care
of you also, if you do. This is the most common thing that
the very elderly do. It's what their lives are focused on.
So just make your calls short if you don't want to listen.
But if you can arrange it, go to see them fairly soon.
You never know how long they'll last, and I'm sure you'd
care to see them in person before they fail. Maybe you
could get them a subscription to picture magazines for
elderly people. I know of one company that has those
with pictures of days gone by, that people can relate to.
If they have a TV in their room and a tape or CD machine,
maybe you could send them a few movies that they would
like in a comedy they could relate to. Like the Lucy Show
or any of those they used to watch. They need someone
to show in person that they care. And you won't find a
nursing home staff to bend over backwards to do that.
So until the day you can visit, you'll just have to put up
with talking to them the way they are. And until they have
happiness in their lives to share. It's so sad when patients
have no company to visit. If they rely on others to take them
for an outing, and can't go, they are stuck with their four
walls. Consider their living conditions and then know why
they are the way they are. And be glad that you still have
them to visit, when you are able. I only hope you don't wait
too long.

I know exactly what you mean. I am carer for my father who is 94, and all he talks about is his health(which is actually very good for his age considering most people don't make it that far), and his past career, which was of a scientific nature guaranteed to be incomprehensible to the layman and bore your pants off. He is also very deaf and refuses to get a hearing aid.
I am afraid that all efforts to encourage normal conversation have been in vain - I will start on a subject, but he will just say"that reminds me",and go on his usual tack. He does particularly like to dwell on his various ailments ad infinitum.
At least you don't live with them - I live next door to Dad and am a captive audience whenever he's a mind to rattle on. He is not interested in talking about me or my siblings, just things that concern himself. So basically, all I can say is that you just have to grin and bare it, because they are not going to change now.

"Please do not take this the wrong way"
I bet your Mom and Dad got sick of hearing you cry for a second bottle up near morning when you were little,diaper changing,and those new teeth coming threw I am sure all they did was love & hugs.
"Think about It"

Sorry no sympathy here. It is time to "man up" and give them 20 minutes. It is so little from you and means so much to them.

Justme & Goldwing pretty much cover it. Just keep a stiff upper lip and do your best to converse. Only too soon the opportunity to even hear their voices will be gone. You'll always have time to wish you had given more (there's much more pleasant ways to spend that time)

A lot of elderly people focus on their health ( yes, and bowel movements) Probably because they have very little else in their lives, Be patient with them. Listen to them. Just remember all the years they were patient and loving toward you. Good luck.

Oh dear, what a dilemma.......I do know what you mean. I am older myself, and hope I do not do this to my grown children. However, I have had relatives in the past, and even friends at this time, who do this to me.....and it really drags a person down. What to do?? I steel myself to try and ignore what they say, and then to keep the phone calls short. For every negative thing they say, you can 'act' cheery, and kinda ignore what they say, and tell them something good and cheery. Try not to sympathize with them !! That is what they want. I do feel sorry for folks like this...bless their hearts, but we need to stop sympathizing with them.......it is bad for them AND for us too.

Thats all they SEE / HEAR / and KNOW....they dont have anything else to talk about , cause they dont see / hear / or know anything outside of that . My Question would be WHY are they in a nursing facility ? Its hard to imagine parents that raised you and bought you into this world , nutured and took care of you for at least 18 yrs of your life...why YOU or your siblings couldnt get together and take care of them for at least 18 yrs left of thiers ?? I know there are always reasons or issues........but you really have to ask yourself....If they were in a different setting HOW then would your conversations Be ?? And how much then would they have to Say ??

Seems to me...you would at least for any amount of time...share those precious moments you have left with them....Cause there is coming a time they will NO longer be there for you to talk to.........then what , your conscience will be eased ? I dont think so !!! YOU WILL MISS THAT VOICE , no matter if its talking about bowel movements or health issue's and would do almost anything to hear it again !!!!!!!!!!

GO SEE THEM.....every chance you can........its precious...DONT MISS OUT..cause its an inconvienence or its not conversation you think is good enough !!!!!!!!!!!

They are in a nursing home, that IS their life, what else would they talk about. You are calling them, in their life situation as it is today. My mom got to the point where she didn't know who I was (she 89) but she liked to get a call from SOMEONE even if she would go on about something that happened eons ago. I would just listen, every once in a while she would call me one of her deceased sisters ect..Just call and let them go on about their health problems. God bless.

You will regret very much not having done all you could for them. I wish my parents were still alive even under those conditions. Ask the Lord for his grace that you can obey the comandment with your whole heart, he will give it, it is his will. Then go visit them & pay them the honor that they deserve & you will have peace in your heart.
God bless

My mother, who was 96 when she died, lived approx. 100 - 150 miles from us for most of the years she was in the nursing home, so we couldn't visit as often as we would of liked and certainly not as often as *she* would have liked! She always had a lot of complaints when we visited; but thankfully she was quite alert right up to the end! She always appeciated the flowers we'd buy for her each visit. This we did because she frequently said she didn't want flowers after she died, because she wanted to be able to enjoy flowers while she was still alive. Also, the nursing home where she lived was in the same city where my sister lives and only a few miles from my brother.

Even though my father and I were not really close, I would have liked to have had him for a few more years (he died at age 65); athough he and Mom lived at least a hundred miles away most of the earlier years of our marriage. Fortunately, he wasn't very forgetful yet, up to the end (three years younger than I am now).

My grandfather was nearly 80 when I last visited him in the late 1950s and he hardly ever talked about anything beyond his earlier years (age 20 - 30)! He couldn't always even remember who I was, for sure, and rarely asked about my parents or siblings. Alzheimer's was not very well known at that time; however he was probably in at least the early stages!

On the other hand, my father-in-law came to deer hunt on our "farm", 65 miles from where he and my mother-in-law lived, earlier in the year in which he died at age 80, and my mother-in-law was pretty alert and took an interest in contemporary events up until she died at age 91.

My friend, that is all they have left to talk about. It probably is their main concern. Would it hurt you to LISTEN and try to understand where they are coming from. They went through a lot raising you, and now its your turn. Be considerate of their needs,. They may not be around that long.
Tell me, is 1000 miles too far to at least see your parents at least once more before they expire? I know MY children would. Bless them both.