You would really send your beloved parent(s) to a home...(continued)?

...rather than take care of them with the help of nurses/nursing assistants--at home?

My mom worked full time, hired a daytime nursing assistant for grandma, and cared for her herself after work. (Grandma & Grandpa always promised each other that they would never send each other to a home--or even a hospital--if not absolutely necessary, and they stuck to that--Mom stuck to their wishes, too, knowing how important it was to them).

My friend found out that two 12-hour nurses were cheaper than a nursing home.

I AGREE WITH YOU TOTALLY, BUT SOMETIMES IT IS TAKEN OUT OF OUR HANDS. WHEN MY GRANDMA WAS NEARING THE END OF HER DAYS, I WAS QUITE PREGNANT, AND THE DOCTORS WOULD NOT TRAIN ME TO TAKE CARE OF HER, THERE WERE NO SERVICES IN OUR AREA TO COME TO OUR AIDE, AND I COULDN'T AFFORD A NURSE OR AIDE TO COME INTO MY HOME. I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP FOR THE WEEK AND LITTLE THAT SHE LIVED, AND THEN FOR A LONG TIME AFTER WHENEVER I THOUGHT OF HER. TELLING MYSELF I COULDNT HELP IT DID NOT HELP ANYTHING.
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN A PERSON HAS NO SAY AND THINGS ARE NO LONGER IN THEIR HANDS. PLEASE DON'T BE JUDGEMENTAL AND IMMEDIATELY THINK THAT EVERYONE WHO LET THEIR ELDERLY BE PUT INTO A HOSPICE PLACE IS A BAD PERSON. SOMETIMES THE CARE IS BEYOND THE LAYMAN'S ABILITIES AND THE PURSE DOES NOT ALLOW THE EXTRA HELP THAT IS NEEDED. I AM PLEASED THAT YOUR FAMILY WAS ABLE TO DO THAT FOR YOUR GRANDMA, AS LATER WE WERE ABLE TO DO THAT FOR MY OTHER GRANDMA, BUT JUST NOT MY FAVORITE GRANDMA. THE PAIN IS STILL THERE TODAY, AND AS RAW AS THE DAY IT HAPPENED. THE TEARS STILL COME WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT.

i dun think i'll ever sent them to a home. but if they are being difficult purposely, i wouldn't hesitate to tell/scold them.

You know i see your point in this, but from first hand of seeing my mother-in-law with her mom. I don't blame her for sending her mom to a rest home. She tried taking care of her mom for years, see she had Alzheimer's, and it got really bad. She couldn't leave the house at all she was making sure her mom fell asleep and stayed, she was mentally and physically exhausted. She had to finally send her to a home. I think it is awesome what your mom is doing for your grandma, i bet your grandma is very grateful.

I have been through this with my Mother/Father. Dad did NOT want Mom to go to a home (Altzheimers, cancer) and he nearly killed himself trying to take care of her...it CANNOT be done! I am 66, I am fully prepared that there will come a time when, perhaps, if I live that long, that I cannot care for myself. I will say, Adios. BUT, my Mother did not...she always said she would, but she didn't. There came a day when we, as a family, insisted that Mom be taken care of by those who were trained, equipped, and prepared for the task. My father was NOT prepared, could not possibly have given her the care she got...all it could possibly have resulted in would be that he die trying.. NO WAY! Mom lived her last 1 1/2 years in peace, good care, kindness and slipped away in her sleep. I see here all too many willing to sacrifice themselves on an altar of 'duty' for nothing...sorry to be so blunt, but when the mind goes, the person we loved went with it. In my mother's case, all that was left was anger...at everything in her life, and all those in her life. It started long before being placed in a good, caring home. My advice to all here, when the time comes, if you can afford it, do not throw a huge chunk of your life away caring for your parents or family, when in all probability, YOU are the only ones who will care...the patient has left the building! Think about it!
All this question can possibly do is raise guilt in those who have no control of the situation. Please, folks..do not let guilt be your guiding light in life..guilt serves NO useful purpose, is so very distructive, and can leave us scarred for the rest of our lives. IF you have any questions about the final care of those you love, TALK TO THEM while they can talk! Get their input, not your imagining what they want...you may be very surprised at what you will learn!

One of the most important questions to be asked is can the In-Home caregiver really give the kind of care needed.

Spouses and eldest daughters are the usual caregivers. Family. And they tend to be driven by guilt and I agree with Goldwing on this facit of caregiving.

My 5'1" Aunt was trying to care for her 6'5" husband and he was in near end-stage Alzheimers. Finally, his physician made the decision for her. This was a good thing because he was combative and a wanderer.

It's a hard decision to make. There are books you can read on this. I was the caregiver for both of my parents and an Aunt and Uncle until they died. Not all are cut out to do this. And, yes, you do need to know when Skilled Nursing Care is appropriate.

Also, Medicare and Medicaid will help pay for this care if eligible. When doing this, be sure to read the fine print - ALL OF IT. It's important to the future well-being of not only the patient but the partner also.

I would expect the same from my family and have made sure that they know it. I will not sacrifice my family's future to care for me in my old age - I just won't do it!

If you really can't help it, you can't help it, and it is natural to feel guilty, but if you really couldn't help it, you couldn't help it, and you can start to stop feeling guilty about sending an aged loved one to a home.

Also, in cases where they need specialised help, they need specialised help in a home. That's correct.

However, very often it is not those who can't really help it who are the strongest advocate of sending an aged loved one to a home - they will not push the boundaries of 'can't help it'.

I have seen so many cases where those children of the aged person who can really help are not helping, whilst ironically, it is the one who can't really help is the one helping the most. It's all so sad to see.

Not sending an aged loved one to a home is still the best option, if one can help it. If you can't really help it, so be it.

The same solution is not always right for everyone. People have different circumstances that have to be figured into the equation.
If someone has to put their elderly parent into a home, it doesn't help if someone else makes the same remarks that you just did. They probably already feel badly enough, without that.

Relucantly I had to put my mother in a home as I was physically unable to care for her. It broke my heart but I could not care for her at home (she lived with me after my husband passed away). She went from being vibrant and outgoing to quiet and reclusive. She went in 5 weeks from driving, walking and getting out to blind, non ambulatory, and halucinating. I was unable to manuver her down a small hallway from the living room to the bathroom in less than 15 min.she would see holes in the floor or no floor and freeze. I tried to get visiting Nurses but insurance would not pay for it as she did not require the services of an RN. When she became bllind and fell out of her recliner it took me 40 min. to get her sitting up and then had to physically lift her into the chair. She refused to eat and was talking with relatives who had many years agod passed. I had to do the unthinkable and that was a nursing home. I put her in and within 10 days she passed. During that 10 days all the family was able to see her. My brother came from the Coast and she was able to recognize him and all the Grandchildren (by voice and them telling her their names.) My mother's only brother came to see her but it was only 2 days before she passed and she did not recognize him (needless to say he was devastated) I found Mama sittin up in her bed as if she had just eaten. The nurses must have thought I was crazy but all I could say between the tears was Thank you Jesus. Mama is not in any more pain and is again a redhead with a quick sense of humor and must be entertaining God at this very moment.

many times the loved one receives the care they need in a nursing home rather that home...this is too personal a question to be answered without a case by case look

I always thought the same thing. So far I have been able to keep Dad at home. My Aunt however, we had to find an assisted living facility for people with Alzheimer's . My Aunt has no children. My Aunt began to wander, in search of her sister, who lives 200 miles from here. I tried taking care of Dad and his sister, but they both have dementia, and we live in a small apartment. We tried other alternatives, before we placed her in a home. Taking care of someone at home isn't always the best /safest choice for them.