4 yr old possible ADD, doctors aren't helping at all, HELP!?

I have a 4.5 yr old son who is intense and has been hell to deal with since birth. He witholds his stools STILL, is on stool softeners, and now exhibiting signs of Conduct Disorder, talking back to me/teachers, hitting, being bossy to other children. Also have a 22 month old daughter who is a joy, but have to watch him like a hawk around her because he is rarely nice. I used to have a respected career, now I'm a lowly stay-at-home who's never worked so hard!! Mom says I'm not cut out for having kids (thanks MOM!). We just moved to the boonies - all we could afford; doctors said I'm a saint for trying so hard to help him. No success getting an appt with neurologist. Nurse prescribed Anti-depressants; made him completely out-of-control; meds are out of question. I am COMPLETELY exhausted and have all kinds of physical problems. I take meds for deprssion, ADD, you name it. I feel isolated and don't have patience anymore to deal with him. I've tried everything under the sun!

Son is currently at school, my time to wake-up, feel daughter, take shower (maybe) and pick him up at 11:00. Believe me, I love my child and I'm not tryint to pawn him off, my mother is immature and jealous of me, so her advice is useless, but it still hurts because she is my mother.

honey ...calll super nanny..she has helped a lot of families....I know it sounds silly but I bet they would come and help you......please be patient..he is still your little boy.

p.s...if he is so difficult how do you have time ot be on the computer??

Hey,
Have you ever considered day care? Just to give you a bit of space and time with your daughter.
My friend has the same problem but she has twins!
Mabie you could get your mom to look after him for a few days a week? Hope this helps and good luck! Report It

you must change your doctor. and if you havent applied tey for medicade then you should, especially if this problem has caused you to have to move to the boonies.

Sounds like you need a family therapist. And seeing a therapist on your own would not help. I think I am more apt to agree with your Mother. No one person can withhold their stool. if he is acting out maybe he is taking his cues from you. Sounds like you might have Munchhausen's by proxy.

I am not sure. but the state I live in has a 4 year old program at the local school.. So my advice to you is to call the school's child study team and request a meeting. At this meeting you will describe your son's behavior and bring any documentation you have from doctors. They will decide if an evaluation is warrented (please insist that it is). Once an evaluation is done, they will decide if he is eligble for special services, which include attending the school. From there, he will be taught many things in the classroom by profressionals

It seemed to me like you were describing my son. He just turned five, and I also had a feeling that I was failing as a mom with him, unable to help him and us. Then an episode of violence got out of hand, and he did kill our pet, a cat, by strangulating her with a rope. That finally got the attention of our pediatrician, and she wrote a referral for a psychiatrist. After a two hour session the psychiatrist came to the conclusion that my kid has too many paralells with ADHD, plus a probable developmental delay because of his inability to concentrate and function properly. He got two medications prescribed, one is a typical ADD medication, which helps the brain to 'fire less irrational', causing him then to slow down and actually think before an action rather than just acting irrational. The other once is a blood pressure lowering medication, which has the side effect in children that they are less hyper active, and together with the ADD medicine within a week I had a completely different kid. He's now polite, can listen for a brief period of time without getting crazy, and is overall now the kid I always wanted.

So, maybe, if your insurance plan covers this, you should try to get him seen at a pediatric psychiatrist to get him at least evaluated.

Hope that helps somehow! Wish I could do more for you!

my cousin was like that they cut out all sugars wouldnt even let him have milk on his cereal- and got him medicine.. i do not know what they would give a 4 yr old that would work..
just stay calm when he sees you get mad at him he will keeping acting up... its like a game.
ADD runs in my family they usually out grow it....
stay strong- my brother was a terror when he was younger and being his little sister i got everything thrown at me. he was awful.. now he is all grown up.. has a wife and new baby and works a full time job.. and you would never had known he was a little monster when he was a child.
good luck...

If his doctor won't listen then find another one who will. Find ADD specialists in you area. Unfortunately you will have to be a b*tch. Contact the SPCC in your state and get them behind you.
If meds aren't helping you may want to research other behavioral problems - Asperger's maybe? I know it is hard - my sister has been going through this fight for her son while working 2 jobs and it is finally working out.
BTW - I'm a SAHM and it isn't a lowly job but you're exhausted and frustrated and it isn't a very rewarding job for you at the moment. And it doesn't help when people are judgemental of you - just remember, they are not in your place and they do not understand. I hope some of the advice I gave you will help.

Click on my avatar and you will see that I'm available to contact. The SPCC is the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (think SPCA but for kids instead of animals). They are there to protect children from abuse and neglect but they also help children who are in need of medical and mental healthcare that is hard to get. They also give support to the overstressed families who care for them.

http://www.mspcc.org/
I looked up SPCC for you but all I could find was the one here in MA. I hope there is one near you - maybe the website can help.

it does not sound like he needs an anti depressant.. it sounds like he needs adderal (like ridalin) but with less side effects.. also, get him outside as much as you can to play.. he needs to run.. will he sit still long enough to watch any tv program? to eat? my son was the same way, only he was right on the borderline... and he had asthma, and asthma medicine had him climbing the walls... he could not sit through a program, if he had to sit down at all he acted like he had ants in his pants, he would get up several times during meals.. i spoke with his doctor about it, and he would not prescribe anything for him as he was right on the borderline... we got him enrolled in sports which helped alot.. also got him roller skates which he lived in for several years, i do know what your going through...
we gave him coffee with cream and sugar in it and that helped to calm him some... chocolate or tea meade him worse...
do you have anyone that could take him for a day to give you a break? no one would take my son.. they could not keep up with him... i didnt think i'd last... but i did get through it.. and you will too...
as for the hitting and being bossy... my son did that for about a year... he would get sent to his room which he would immediately trash... if he got spanked he would take everything in his room..toys, bed sheets, blankets etc.. and throw it all out in the hallway... i thought i would either pull my hair out, or kill him! but once he started school, he calmed down alot... the hardest part then was homework... he is 18 yrs old now and he still doesnt sleep 8 hours straight, and he is always on the go... but he gets good grades in school (senior this year) and he's on the football team, and he works a job... and i wish i had half his energy!!
lol.... you will get through it... try the coffee... the first two times you give it to him might pep him up, but it doesnt last but about 30 minutes.. then he should get alot calmer... still wont sit still, but his brain should slow down some and he should be easier to deal with... if by the third time he's still wall climbing then dont give it to him anymore as it may not effect him.. some people it works on and some it seems to make worse... only 1 cup a day... usually later in the day when you are ready to calm him down some... like around 3 or 4 pm... that way he will still sleep at least some of the night :)
keep trying on the psychologist..they can test him and prescribe meds for ADD... or ADHD... ridalin has yucky side effects.. ask about adderal... its synthetic and has less side effects...
good luck!

ps... as for holding his stools... it is not uncommon at his age to do so... he's "too busy" to take the time to sit on the toilet.. my best friend had to take her son to the emergency room because he kept throwing up and she was afraid he would dehydrate... come to find out his bowels were impacted because he would not take the time out to go potty... 4 enema's later (it took that many to clean his system out...at the hospital of course) he came to the conclusion that it was better to go potty.... lol you need to encourage him to go... you may need to be firm about it too... and i dont know how to advise that you handle that, but he needs to be encouraged to go...
again, good luck to you....
take a deep breath and count to 10!

I've been through a lot of this too with my son, who is now almost 6. You are definitely not alone! I also applaud your decision to try to keep him off meds if at all possible, but please be open to the idea of them if a doctor/psychiatrist you trust recommends them.

As a first step, I would recommend contacting the school system to see if they have any early intervention services and get him evaluated. My son got speech and occupational therapy for several months, which helped a great deal. He also was enrolled in a special preschool -- offered FREE by the school system-- for kids with developmental delays.

There are some great books I have found that helped us out a great deal. One is "From Chaos to Calm: Effective Parenting of Challenging Children with ADHD and Other Behavioral Problems" by Janet E.Heininger. The other is "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene.

I understand your frustration at not getting any help. NOBODY wanted to talk to us about his behavior and possible ADD until he was at least 5 years old, and I wasn't willing to just sit and wait for him to have that birthday. Remember, you are your child's best advocate. No one else will fight harder and longer to get him what he needs and what he deserves than you will. Hang in there! Things will get better!

A nurse prescribed anti-depressants! That is not possible, nurses are not allowed, under law, to write prescriptions. A four year old, or four and a half, should NOT be taking such medications and cannot be accurately diagnosed as depressed or ADD. Conduct Disorder is a term used in special education within the public school system and is not a diagnosis. The medications for ADD and depression are not approved by the FDA for a child his age. You have ADD and depression? I am not discounting that there is a problem, just be sure you are not projecting your diagnosis on to this child. Has any physician, not nurse, discussed autism and the full spectrum of autistic disorders. Ask this nurse, since she seems to be able to act as a physician, to make a referral to a neurologist.

First of all you need to have a discussion with the father. Inconsistency in disipline can lead to this behavior. He really needs disipline and if he sees that your limits are low he'll make a life of reaching them. You have to stand firm on what you say no matter how hard it may seem. You really need to get dad on board maybe try family conseling. Don't expect it to work over night. A second thing is, if your child is acting up because he has so much extra energy, try giving him a chance to burn it all. Send him outside to run, run, run. You should also try having a set schedule something like wake up at the same time everyday, eat breakfast, go outside for an hour, come in and sing and dance for an hour. let him have a couple hours free time in his room. eat lunch, clean up. sit down together for a quiet time, read a book, sing a song, then all of you sit down together and watch a movie, extra bonus if you can get him to take a nap. At four and a half he needs at least an hour of structured play, do this while the baby sleeps. Make crafts together, draw together, play hide-and-seek, anything that is fun but makes him follow directions. Send him outside again but this time give him directions to follow, a treasure hunt, scavenger hunt etc. Then let him have another hour or so free time. Let him come in and help cook dinner, set the table, serve the food, etc. Give him praise for how good he is being and what a big help he is. Most kids love to help and it also makes them follow directions. After dinner needs to be a calm time, take a bath, read, sing and maybe watch a bit of t.v. Then tuck him in and don't forget to tell him you love him, now is also a good time to point out all the times he was good today, leave out any negatives. If he sees all the positive attention for the good he has done, he will want to do it more so I will say it one more time, all day long praise, praise, praise. When he is bad, deal with the problem accordingly, time-outs, take away toys/privleges. but when the punishment is over don't bring it up again, That too will give attention and you don't want him getting positive and negative attention confused. Brag to his father, grandma, etc. on how good he has been (even if it feels like most of the time he isn't.)

A few other things you can add to your day that can help you and him both are - take a walk, go to the park, go swimming, go skating.

If no one wants to baby sit him for you, let some one baby sit the baby so you can have a full day to give him undevided attention him and let him know how much you still care about him.

When you go to the store, tell him the rules before you go in and have him repeat them to you. Tell him if he is good he can get a toy, candy (or chips if you limit his sugars) or something like that.

The last bit of advice I have is talk with a dietician. Certain foods can make your son act like this. If you can't afford one, keep a journal of what he eats and how he behaves and see if you can find a link.

Good luck and remember, he is probably doing this for attention so give it to him in a positive way instead. Lots of love and kisses.
Good luck to you and your son.

You might do some research on the Feingold method. What I remember is that you eliminate artificial preservatives, food colorings, sugar and some other things and your child may very well calm down.

Some of your anxiety might be affecting him, but since his sister is not like this, perhaps that has nothing to do with it (unless you act differently toward him).

Good luck, I feel for you.

OK First of all................ you son doesn't have ADD..............those are not the proper signs for it, I know my son has ADHD, second, disapline the little monster, and third THERE IS NOTHING LOWLY ABOUT BEING A STAY AT HOME MOM !!!! It is the hardest job in the world so get over your pitty party and move on.