College essay application?

I have a question, i started my introduction to my college application essay: Our group was assigned to embellish each door with Christmas decorations to liven up the nursing home. We gathered up the scissors and the markers and headed toward our first door. After three doors, I reached a lonesome room where the sunlight didn鈥檛 touch the floor. We began taping on the picture of Santa when I realized there laid an old lady on the bed. After a few moments, I finally realized that she was staring at us. Her dark and deep eyes were set aside from the white. After I saw her, I no longer paid much attention to where my partner and I should put Santa, or what color the reindeer鈥檚 hat should be. I was too focused on the old lady, afraid she would be alone. It was as if she was waiting for someone to take care of her for the Christmas break. It was at the single moment I realized that when I鈥檓 older, I want to become a nurse to take care of old ladies like her. I want to be her nurse.

So, i need to begin the second paragraph about myself and i don't know where to start. The essay says to write about my career and education goals and objectives. Do you think the intro is okay? i read somewhere that the administrators like anecdotes so i wrote that. the body paragraph i wanted to talk about my history, what school i went my rank and stuff like that. Please someone help me start off with a GOOD sentence to start my body paragraph!!!!

Start your next paragraph off with all pertinent information that will show them how you are going to attain the goal of nurse. They love to know you have some idea of what you are up against and they want to see what obstacles you are able to overcome to get there. For example, my daughter broke her back in high school and acquired a severe illness which knocked her out of honors program and a semester of school. So she wrote about how she knew about working to catch up and more than one obstacle not keeping her from reaching her goal of college.

I would make the second paragraph more grounded with an outline of how you hope to acheive your goals and how college X figures into it. Also, I would sometimes use elderly in place of "old"

This intro would be more effective if you could have said that you stayed, and spoke with the woman, learned somthing about her, her life, her family.

Your fears that she would be spending Christmas alone could have been allayed if you had come back and actually spent some of your Christmas with her.

But that part is missing from your intro. I expect that you did neither of these things, which makes your implied promise to take care of "old ladies" like her, ring pretty hollow. You had the opportunity, at hand, to help take care of one old lady. But, sadly, you missed it.

I certainly don't advise that you add a line stating that you did that if you really did not. When you go into that college entrance interview, it will be too easy to get caught in the lie.

Still, if you want to do this paragraph, I suggest you find a more sensitive way to describe the people you say you want to help, so much. No one wants to be addressed as an "old lady." That person was a woman. She was, as you described her, an elderly woman. But she was a peson first and deserves, first the respect as a person.

She was not an "old lady."

Good luck on your education. Your vessel has a lot of filling to do.