I used to look forward to having a giggle with you all but some days the atmosphere seems a bit down.
So at the risk of yet another v mail coming my way I'm hoping to give you some thing to laugh at.
A man in the drs waiting room asks a lady why she is crying.
"I'm here for a blood test and the nurse will have to cut my finger" the lady sniffs.
The man starts to weep too.
"Why are you upset?" the lady asks.
The man looks at her pitifully and whispers:
"I'm here for a urine test!"
So my question is, have I brightened this page up enough to start putting the laughter back? lol x Thanks for the laugh. We need to lighten up the atmosphere in here every now & then.
I was just watching TV this morning as the Secretary of Defense briefed President Bush. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush's face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked him, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?" Thank you, yes that did make me laugh but then I am always happy. Nice one. Thanks I am always up for a wee laugh. Cheers and have a star. Not from me darl, I strive to keep the standard going but Its night here and I start to dwindle about now (11pm) but I go great guns during the day. Love your joke tho Well, I don't know if it worked on the page but it worked on me!
Thanks, Sylvia. As always, you are the Sparkle. thanks i needed that this cool morning,been up half the night listening to my neighbors dog chase all my cats under my trailor.if i could of got out their i would of shot that old dog.i cant find my favorite cat and i hope that dog didnt hurt her.i need to laugh more in my life. The majority of us oldens have a good laugh and joke among ourselves.We know what we are laughing at,sometimes it is too subtle for youngsters.
The thing which makes us all glad is "not to be starting out" nowadays.
We are sorry for you,life seems to be such a burden. hello there ladies
is this heaven or paradise i am in no men but me
well h e l l o there
as to your question yes you have brightened my day up
so has seeing all the other ladies on here
i am gonna hang around for a bit
see if i can see some more lovely ladies
thank you all for making my day and being here today Nope, Lady Sylvia. I think we are way too far down for just one of your lovely jokes to get us back up again.
More................please? You certainly brightened MY day! If you need a chuckle, or some profound insights, look at my question about bumper snickers. -- (=^.^=) I try to do my part. Ive had as many violations as entries, so Im a bit fed up. I see others with same questions or similar, and some downright abusive, nothing said, But I get deleted for reasons I dont understand so I dont come often anymore thanks, this has started my day off with a smile! Yes, and no, I've had a down day today, read your q, managed a chuckle then remembered I have to donate an armful of blood to Dracula's assistant (she's nice really) for testing next week. good one! yes, you have brightened up this small part of the page! You got it Girl.
I was just a little freaked about the BIZZARO WORLD, we were having yesterday. Where in the H--- did all those angry trolls come from. It was like we were being attacked. But today is a new day. ROCK ON!!! Yes that made me laugh, and it also reminded me that when I went for a blood test recently, the nurse said "I am just going to give you a little scratch, I am not allowed to say a little prick anymore in case you are offended.OOps I've said it." We both had to laugh. Hi,its my first time in the senior section.Dear me 2 weepies.
lol Okay what about the man who had been good all his life and god was to please with him when he retired god visited him and said he could have a wish. the man said he was afraid of flying and wanted to go to America so could god put a road across the Atlantic for him
God said Oh dear that is very difficult it would upset the ecology of the ocean and alter the path of the gulf stream could he not have something easier.
Yes said the man tell me how a woman's mind works
Would that be one lane or two god replied yes Sylvia, you are right - there IS a lack of laughter here lately. i think everyone is so worried about getting the big V>N> that they have been afraid to write anything. it really is a shame - the seniors used to have kind of their own little rules, didn't hurt anybody, were there for each other, yet were friends in every sense of the word that you can be on a forum like this. it really is a shame that a few people from outside the group have ruined all of the fun by reporting people. i found this group by accident, i'm not truly a senior (47) but this is one group where i felt comfortable and welcomed. i do so regret that things are the way that they are - i usually check in every day and go over the questions to see if there are any i want to answer, but there haven't been many lately.
please let us have our section back the way it was -- outsiders ----- go away ----- let us have our section the way we want it ---- we don't tell you how to have yours Hi Sylvia, you want a laugh.......
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, "Where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example, Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area land and asked, "What's that?" "Ah", said God. "That's Western Australia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers, and sportsman. The people from Western Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting on the East Coast!"
**
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... dad... I became a prostitute." "YE WHAT!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad - as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership in the country club... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says the dad interupting. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
**
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE ******* DISHES"
**
One day Pete was complaining to his friend 'my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor'. His friend said 'Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.' Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!
**
Hope these brighten your day yes sylvia you have, i love to be able to act silly and laugh on here sometimes! take care! Yes, you made me smile! I think this group (all groups) going through down periods is a natural life thing. It's interesting how it can only take a couple of people to change the mood anywhere. Now here is my laugh.... HA AH hAHAHA! Oh, ho HO Ha HA! :-) LOL ROTFLOL that was good now one for you
woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet fussed the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird.
The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ..... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "拢150!, she cried, 拢150 just to tell me my bird is dead.!!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been 拢20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan......" You certainly made my eyes water nice one yes made me lol, have you any more? Lol-who cares if some people are miserable,you are enough to brighten everybody elses day!! :) Yes, let all keep laughing. This is a great site. I find myself coming back to it more and more often. I am 62 going on 35. couldnt find it huh'' or was her finger bigger'' good one thanks |
