A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t s - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" This is one of those jokes that you remember while you're driving alone and start laughing hysterically all over again. ha ha ha..i love your jokes and i love this one R O F L M A O !!
Doctor's stories :
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the
wrong one.
************
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient
said sadly.
************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
*************
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E
on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly
what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes
covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
***************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The
patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him
quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the
man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And
you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the
obvious!
**************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my
husband was alive.
**************
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
****************
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She
asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does
it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?"
she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.
EXCERCISES TO PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you
with his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage
Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky
down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard
and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck
up your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your
smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to
seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist
with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with
a knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat
tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
and then.......
HOSPITAL ROOM 302 - what a great strategy this is!
Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this ....
A woman called the local Hospital
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said,
"What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the Nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel
in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records....
... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's
had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine,
she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a
couple of hours and ~ if she continues
this improvement ~ Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic,
that's wonderful news!"
The Nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take
it you are a close family member or a very close friend."
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302. Nobody here tells me anything!" |
