Something really horrible has happened, I just don't know what to do. Please help?

My mum's had MS for some time now but recently gone downhill very quickly and seriously. From a year ago, when she was able to walk short distances, she is now practically paralysed from the neck down, and losing her eysight. She's still in her 40's, but may have to go into a nursing home. This really upsets me and my dad who is on the verge of a breakdown. I've been suffering depression for the past year or so, but have been trying to hold things together. Now I'm moving across the water to go to university in a few days and the ambulance has just left the house- we had to call it for her cos she was so ill this morning. I don't know how I can travel to uni on Tuesday if she's ill in hospital and my dad would probably want to stay with her, and I have sold my car so can't get the car ferry myself. I feel so guilty at leaving them in this mess too- I don't think they can cope, and quite frankly I can't anymore. I have no family to talk to and my friends don't understand. Please help?!

it sounds like you might need a break. i am not sure what is the best thing to do but i wanted to say something cos you are not alone. maybe uni would be the way to go. give you a little space..a change of scene. i know its harsh to leave them like this but your dad will have to cope. he just will have to. he can't look after you and your mum can't so you have to look after yourself right now...your dad and the hospital can look after your mum. i just think...you have been depressed...you are right bang in the middle of things with your mum and i think its too much for you. that you need some time out. after all you won't be any good to them if you are falling apart anyway. i could be wrong here. but just look after yourself ok. you will come out of the depression but you maybe should think about counselling if you are not getting it already. i used to get really depressed and i had counselling a few times (to get over childhood abuse that resulted in depression) and it can help a lot. take care. hugs.

Hard as it is, you have to move on. It will do your parents more good and give them more hope to see you progressing with your own life than moping around with them.

Sweetheart my heart goes out to you, I know it breaks your heart to know you that your mum may have to go in to a nursing home but they will be able to give her expert care and attention twenty four hours a day and she knows if it happens it will be for the best. She also knows that you love her very much and she will be so proud that you are going to university and this something that she will want you to do.

I will give you one of my email addresses please email me and I will give a phone number should need to talk to some one John.Rockdell@Yahoo.co.uk

I dont know what to say that would help, just be strong and hopefuly it will all work out for you ('',)

What do you think your mum would want you to do? I think she would want you to carry on your life and go and get your degree at Uni. You dont say where you are or how far Uni is but Im sure you will be able to make visits and there is the telephone and emails. As a last rewsort talk to Uni and see if you could postpone your arrival for a few days till you are sure mum is ok. I hope all goes well for you and good luck with uni

have you tried talking to a therapist? and no, i'm not saying your crazy. i am saying that with all this going on, if you have any issues with your nerves being on edge, they can give you something to help for that. they could also be good at helping you feel better about yourself and helping you find ways to cope. other than that, i really don't know what to tell you. i wish i had better advice, but i've given you all i really know.

ask yourself some honest questions

can you make a difference at home?
are you going to be able to do your course ... concentration wise?
whats the best thing for you?
you have to live your life .. sounds harsh but mum wouldnt want you to give up your future for her im sure!
take care .. be strong

Hi There, It sounds like a tough time , all round. I know you feel an obvious responsibiity to your parents but I think as parents, they would also want to know you're making responsible decisions about your own future.

I dont know where you're located. Is it possible/practical you could get some help from a charitable organisation?

Go to the hospital and talk to the chaplain there.

Go and ask your mom's doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist/psychologist.

You're going to have to decide whether or not this is the time to strike out on your own and start building your own life, or if your future needs to hold until your mother is at rest.

Either way, the stress is going to eat you alive, so you NEED some kind of resource to help you through it.

Only you can decide what you need to do. Good Luck.

If you can see my e-mail, e-mail me.
Put : About MS

Do what you feel is right. If you feel that you need to stay home to support Dad, then do that. I'm sure anyone at uni would understand why you needed to miss a couple of weeks while Mum stabilised. What about talking to your Dad? Is he so upset because Mum's taken a turn for the worse? Whats the prognosis? Does he want you to stay close to help support him emotionally?

First of all - sorry you're in this situation - it's really not easy or pleasant, and you clearly care a lot for your parents and want to do your best to help. Are you an only child?

I would say, talk to your uni today. Get on the phone to the admissions dept (if necessary, ask them to put you through to whoever else can help) and explain that your mother is seriously ill and has just gone into hospital, and ask whether you can delay your arrival. From experience, the first couple of weeks at uni aren't hugely important. Yes, you'd miss initial getting to know you things, and other people in Halls would have made friends, etc, but there are very few hugely important lectures or anything. It takes a couple of weeks to get going, and if you have family reasons, I'm sure they can delay your admission for a couple of weeks. That way you could see how things go with your mum, and get over to uni once she's settled a bit.

If she's looking as if she's going to be really ill for a lot longer, maybe you could postpone uni for a year, or transfer to a uni closer to home. But I would really recommend not dropping out of uni - I'm sure it's absolutely not what your parents would want.

You dont say where you live but mayb if you phoned the university and the situation theyd be ynderstanding and let you have time off. Are you an only child? You sound as if you are or the eldest im an only child so i understand what your going through i had to give up working full time when i was 21 my mum was diagnosed with cancer and i was the only 1 who could look after her [ dad couldnt cope with washing her etc ] she struggled on for a year till she peacefull past away at 60 years old if you need to talk email me ill try to help. Are you in Northern Ireland, you say over the water like we do?

Hi there,you sound like you need a good shoulder to cry on,the thing is do want to go to uni,or does it not bother you one way or the other,i think you should discuss it with your father and see what happens from there,i do feel for you having been through similar thing,but my mum has passed on now 10 yrs ago and i dont think she wanted me to waste my life away but i did make the decision to not go away and stay at home,but there wasnt a lot i could do except visit her until the she left me,i think you should go to uni and just make sure you can get access to a phone every single day your away and try get home wk ends etc holidays,but at the end of the day it has got to be your decision,maybe your uni could give you a week or so extra to sort yourself out,i really hope this eases your thoughts a bit goodluck in what ever decision you make my friend

you have done lots to help your dad there is nothing you can do to help your mom by being there if you go to school then you and them will be better off don't worry make peace then go then send pics and positive letters about what you are doing and she will live through you. you are all she has is your legacy so liv life full and don't feel guilty make her proud to have you as a daughter

Your guilt is a human response to a very difficult situation going on in your family. Your mother is afflicted with a serious disease, MS, with your father wanting to with her through this is also seems like you're being left to shift for yourself. You stated you have been suffering depression for some time now, please get some help! There are people/agencies to speak to on the phone world-wide for depression. Look in your local phone book, you need someone to listen to your painful struggle one-on-one. Sharing your pain is the first step to dealing with recovery. Dial the phone. Someone will be there for you. You are not alone. Go to your University as planned, there are also people there to help you with your struggle. As a parent, I can reassure you your parents are perhaps unable to support you emotionally at this time, but keep to your goal. One of the things I needed to learn to do is self-parenting in struggling with my depression for the last 40 yrs. What a fine young person your parents have raised! Bless you dear, dial that phone, talk to someone...this too shall pass..it always does..been there.:)

If you are in the UK contact the Multiple Sclerosis Society http://www.mssociety.org.uk/ and see whether they have a local support group in your area. This will give you the chance to talk to others who have similar problems. They should be able to offer you both practical and emotional help and support also for your father.
MS Society
MS National Centre
372 Edgware Road
London
NW2 6ND

Tel: 020 8438 0700
Fax: 020 8438 0701

My heart breaks for what your family is going through. It must be horrible to see your mother in so much pain, and your Dad unable to handle it, understandably. But you can't put off your life, either. It certainly is your decision in the end what you decide to do. You may want to consider putting off school for perhaps another year to make sure things are a bit more stable for your family. But, don't feel guilty (easier said than done), if you decide to go ahead and go to school Tuesday. You must live your life. I wish only the best for you!

Dee

You need to take a rest.Try to ask someone to help you.

What a dilemma! I'm sure that your parents would want you to go to uni. I know if it was me and you were one of my kids, I'd want you to go - you want your kids to have the best and I'm sure that's how your mum feels. It will be hard but i bet your mum would feel terrible and blame herself for you not following your dreams. You can always visit whenever you can and a phone call every day would be all your mum would want. Go for it - mum's want their kids to have the best and your parents would be so proud when you graduate. Good luck hope this helps x