Is this reasonable behaviour? Please help!?

I'm 38 and married with two children - 9 & 3. I do one 12 hour nursing shift on a Saturday or Sunday. I contribute financially to the household in an equal amount to my husband.

My husband is 46 and works Tuesday - Friday - 9-5pm with a 10 minute travel to work, then 10 minutes back. He works in accountancy and his job has some pressure, but it's not hectic.

I do all the housework, shopping, cooking and cleaning. My husband looks after the kids whilst I go to work, but when I get up the next day I have all the tidying up to do from when he's looked after them. He stays in bed on a Sunday till about 11am whilst I get up, look after the kids and tidy up.

When he gets in from work he eats his meal then makes a cup of coffee whilst I tidy up and then he helps out with bathing the younger child if he feels like it. He just generally potters around doing nothing in particular.

Do other people's husbands do any tidying/housework at all? Especially after they come in from work?

I feel like I'm looking after 3 kids instead of just 2.

I'm taking all the responsibility for the house and its' running even though he lives there as well and makes a mess and I do go to work. He's expecting me to work another 12 hours when the youngest one starts school, but I just don't think I could manage with all that I have to do now.

Why is it that men can just abdicate responsibility for the work within the home? If I didn't do that work then he wouldn't think of pitching in, he'd just sit and watch the place descend into chaos.

What is the matter with him? Is this reasonable behaviour? I don't know how much other men do. It's not like I'm relying on him to clothe and feed me - I have my own money and I'm not relying on him to care for and provide for me. He's treating the place like a hotel.

What do I do?

yes unfortunately some men are like that, now my situation is a bit similiar I am nearly 38 have three children was working for two days in an office for a while 6hrs each day, was coming home and doing ALL the work he would come in and get his dinner handed to him then he would get on with whatever he feels like doing, I would be the one that would tidy up after dinner (on the odd occasion he would stack the dish washer) but I would be the one responsible for getting the children ready for bed and sort out any problems they have (like arguing or such) he would not even think of changing the babies nappy unless I asked him too and even at that if he did it would never make it as far as the bin unless I picked it up and put it in the bin. I know he works hard but I feel that at least at the weekends husbands if they are not working outside of the home they should help in the home it should be a 50/50. I wonder if your husband even offers to make you a cup of coffee or tea when he makes his, mine used to be like that but I have managed to change that around. My husband does work long hours though Monday 7am - 11pm then Tuesday-Friday 7.00am - 5.30pm and most saturdays at least from 7.00am - 1.00pm or longer but when I am at home I work 24 hours a day basically so husbands need to help out more. Don't know how to get them to do more though.

Taking care of the house and kids is a shared responsibility! And yes mine does his share. ; )

If both people are working as you are I would expect my husband to help with the chores equally too. My ex did literally nothing so i know how you feel. Your husband isn't being reasonable.
You need to have a serious talk with him and try to get him to understand that he whould be helping more.

I do probably 80% of it - we both work full time M-F, weekends off. We have 3 kids, 8, 5, and 1. Sometimes I wish he would do more, other times, I just do it all. It works fairly good.
If I were you, I think I would at least talk to him about picking up things when HE watches the kids. You do it for him, he should do it for you - bottom line.
Good luck!

If you're unsatisfied with this arrangement, talk to your husband during a time when things are not hostile or hectic. You may have already done that, I don't know. My husband and I work equal hours, but I have the luxury of working from home. He automatically gets up from dinner and cleans up, if he sees a mess, he cleans it. We don't keep score, we both just do what needs to be done. Maybe I have a rare and wonderful husband, but I don't see why some men think it's such a big damn deal to help out. Of course, my husband also gets sex whenever he wants it, so he's a particularly happy person!

my hubby helps out with my urging...but for the most part...if he knows im having a bad day or something he just jumps in and deals with things!!!

Mine always expected me to do it all, even if I was busy doing other things, working, etc. Some men are like that. I think you should ask him to get up and help you out more, talk to him and compromise on what you want him to do each day. If he doesn't know what you expect of him then he can't satisfy you. Generally speaking though I don't think men do as much housework as women do.

Yes, if asked. But, no not really. I have made a Hun do list and it will get done. Men don't see things like we do. Sit your hubby down talk to him tell him how you are feeling and you would like to sleep to 11am on Sunday once in a awhile and, you would like it if he cooked a meal once in a awhile.

For a start, its called 'laziness'! I do alot around our house but i know its not enough so i try harder. I'm certain that he knows he's not doing enough and doesnt try harder. Thats worse. You need ti nip this in the bud as soon as! The longer ye leave it the worse it gets. Good luck!

not hardly. I think me husband has only cleaned up a handful of times after 4 years of marriage. I work full time and I used to go to school full time. He also works full time but feels he shouldn't have to clean. Men are lazy jerks most of the time.

No...
My husband sees me as his equal... I am a stay at home mom, so I am grateful to him and all he does for us, so I don't mind cleaning up a little more then he does... but he cleans too, and makes dinner sometimes... and does laundry, he cleans up.

Women were not made from mans head to be on top of him, nor from his feet to be trampled on.... but his rib... to be his equal~!

my boyfriend isn't too bad, he'll do things if i ask him too but he doesn't use his own initiative which is often frustrating! He normally prepares packed lunch for us both whilst I cook tea and then we'll do the dishes together...he does however think that dishes can wait until the following day so sometimes i end up doing them myself!! He won't do any DIY, if I ask him at the weekend he doesn't want to because it's his 'day off from work!' and if i ask him on a weeknight he doesn't want to because he's been working all day!! Can we win with men like this?!! lol

Mine doesnt do housework, even though Im working 7 days a week....and taking care of the kids, and cleaning the house...even after I cook, he sits on the couch and watches tv, while I clean up, and when the kids go to bed he goes to his garage....BELIEVE me, we've had so many arguements about this...I understand you pain...sorry I couldnt answer you, but I understand your pain.

i leave for work at 5AM on mon-wed-fri, come home after 2 jobs at 11PM. on tues-thurs, i get home at 5PM. saturdays, i work 9-9pm. sundays i'm off.

wife is a stay at home mom/student. she has school all day on tuesday-thursday until 7pm. on those days, i make sure the house is cleaned, vaccummed, dinner cooked, dishwasher clean and emptied, garbage taken out, laundry started/finished, etc.

sundays i'm a zombie.

are your kids going through the "my friend's parents lets her do it, why can't i do it!!!!" stage yet?

well, just cuz i do things as i do, please don't compare.

just ask your hubby for some help.

I can't understand why women who don't work expext their husband to do "his share" after he has been to work all day.On the days that you work then yes he should do the house work but how your question reads you work 1 day a week and he works 4.Monday you both share the work Tues-Fri it's your responsibility,Sat it's his job and why not just spend Sunday together enjoying the time as a family.

some very considerate husbands will help their wives. most won't. it goes back to the way they were raised a lot of times. some were raised to believe things like that is "woman's work." I think a man and a wife should equally divide household chores and responsibilities. There may be some things that the guy doesn't mind doing while the lady absolutely hates it and vice versa. i think that a man who is respectful of his wife and has a desire to help, should do so. it's ok to give him a break during the week when you don't work outside of the home, but then he needs to do the same for you on the weekend when you do and he doesn't.


Oh, btw, being a full time mother is a 24/7 JOB. it is NEVER ENDING. women who don't work outside of the home STILL need a break and could STILL use help from the husband who is employed outside of the home. Nursing on a 12 hour shift is a tough job and can also be very stressful. The guys who think being a stay at home mom is a piece of cake needs to try it full time for a week. I would also recommend the movie "MR. MOM". It's a heckuva lot harder than it seems .

Key statement..."I have my own money". This tells me you guys are not working together or communicating and it's eating at both of you. Romance is probably missing too.

My husband will never do housework after work. After work he checks his email or watches t.v while I take out his dinner. I love him but he says hes tired. I feel like the housework is my job since hes been at work for eight hours while I am at home. I cook,clean, and then feel bored. I do as much as I can and try and do outside work too. When I finally start working again I am going to make him do the housework too. Just tell your husband hes not the only tired one. You both work and should do equal parts of the housework. You could switch off days too..one day he does the housework while you look after the children and vice versa..

Same thing at my house, I finally got really fed up with it and hired a housekeeper 2x a week to help. Since he doesnt want to help, tell him ur going to hire a housekeeper and he needs to pay for the housekeeper on the days he is supposed to clean:) good luck

What does it matter if other people's husbands do or do not perform the same as your husband (in a lot of cases I hear that they do). You picked this guy to marry (or at least said "I do"). You had 2 kids with him. Sounds like you have been together at least 9 years, and you are just noticing this behavior. Give me a break.

He has been like this for a long time probably and it is getting on your nerves now and you want somebody to validate your being right about him changing. No, you are going to have to do one of two things. One, keep your mouth shut and live with your decision. Two, try to renegotiate what you expect out of each other (this is the way I would go). Relationships are about negotiations. He may or may not agree with what you propose. However, if this is your only complaint you should be happy that he is not cheating on you, beating you or going out and getting drunk all the time.

You have a good life, but you are looking for a way to be unhappy.

Look at the relationship he has with is mother. He is reliving his childhood. You need to air your grievances with him and come to some sort of arrangement. Marriage is all about compromise.

My wife works full time. I am a househusband. I do all the housework, except I refuse to dust. I walk the dogs and do the gardening. I cook each weekday, wash up and put the stuff away.

At weekends we either buy in a takeaway or she cooks. I watch the footie and walk the dogs. We may go shopping together or she with her daughter.

You need to realise he thinks your one 12 hour shift does not equal his 40 hour week. There is room for manoeuvre here.

If you let him walk all over you he will. Try telling him to do his fair share or you'll find somebody who appreciates you.That should give him the jolt he needs. Why women let such lazy guys get away with it I will never understand. And yes, I am married, have four kids and my husband is a star. Equal partnerships makes for a happy marriage, you are nobodies slave.

This day and age when TWO are working TWO should share the home chores. My question to you is, How long have you been letting him get away with this? You should TALK to him before you run yourself down!

NO ----- it's definitely not fair. If other husbands don't do anything, doesn't make it right ---- they should. I don't see how you working is any different, or him working has any priority. After all isn't marriage a PARTNERSHIP.
If you feel so strongly ---- you must raise this issue. Putting everything aside for a sec --- WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT TIDYING UP? I completely agree, IT IS VERY UNFAIR.

Just to specify, I'm a guy ----- and growing up DIDN'T APPRECIATE MY MOM DOING TWO JOBS. So yes, i did help her with cooking, cleaning, shopping etc ----- and don't see anything wrong with it.

are the kids happy and taken care of.? a messy house comes with this picture. if he is good to you and the kids don't make a big issue of this.sounds like he comes home to relax, which is a good thing. financial contribution has nothing to do with this. count your blessings.

Your husband needs to pull his own weight and help out. Some men think just because they have a job that they are excuses from all of the other responsibilities of running a household. Obviously that doesn't work in the real world especially if the wife is employed. Where does he think that milk in the refrigerator comes from other than a cow?

From your story, no, this is not reasonable behaviour. I am a 43 yr old man, married for 23 yrs now, in a single income family with me as the bread winner and I still do my part around the house.

MARRIAGE -- Where two work together in the making of a home, for themselves, and their children.

Thats my definition but it sounds good dont it?

yes, he is a dink and should be kicked in the junk over and over until he understands the error of his ways.

The solution is to get a cleaner in and pay half each. Problem solved.

im sorry but i dont see the problem. as a single mother of two who does all that you do and work more hours than the two of you put together i think you have it pretty cushy.

im certainly not into women being a slave but i truly believe that if one of you is out at work and the other has the stay at home role then thats exactly what you should do. do you live in a mansion??? there is only 4 of you... my house is spotless, but if i had 6 days at home each week i wouldnt be able to clean it any more than i already do.

As a nurse myself i cannot believe your 1 shift a week brings in an equal amount of money unless he is very poorly paid....if you are paid so well why doesnt he give up work and keep house and you do 2 shifts a week to keep you all.

I dont mean to sound mean, but if you had said you are both doing work outside the house for an equal amount of time, then yes you should split the chores 50/50...but you dont so if i were you i would count my blessings.