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Should me and my wife stay together for the children if we know we will not stay married in the future? |
I am a nurse and I travel for a living. I have not lived with my family on a full time basis for over a year. My wife and myself have a horrible relationship and neither wants to stay with the other. But my wife thinks that it would be better for us to stay together for my son. We are relocating to a new city where there is only my wife's family and not any of mine. She doesnt love me nor is she attracted to me. I adore her but being put off physically, sexually and emotionally doesnt seem right to me. My heart is broken and I believe that I cant survive emotionally being in the same house with a woman who doesnt find me attractive or appear to love me. Please give me some advice because I am torn. I just feel that I deserve more than what I am getting. Am I being too selfish? Am I being too insensitive to my children? Children are not the answer to stay together... however should make you think twice before up and runnin. She obviously found you sexually attractive at 1 time... try to spice up the love... and your child does need and diserve both parents but nothing says you cant do it apart as well as together. go with your gut....the children and you deserve better...you are a nurse..you know how intuitive kids are...you think you are fooling them...come on now...be the dad you are meant to be....move on...make a wonderful life for yourself and show your kids what it's like to be really really happy......they will thank you later in life leave. as long as u continue the relationship w/ ur kids. y be unhappy. you would be hurting ur kids even more what difference does it make since you never home anyway. cut ur losses you both desreve to be w/others who will make you happy. best wishes. You can't force anyone to love you my dear. I wish I was cupid sometimes so I could fix relationships like these. First of all I highly commend you for wanting to be with your family because all to often we hear about the baby daddy's running away from their kids but in this case it's her. What happened that made her all of a sudden fall out of love with you? You sound like a really good guy considering you want to be there for your kids and you work and nurses make good money so what is the problem that she has with you? And you even moved to where she is most comfortable leaving all of your family? Find out why she doesn't like you or resents you so bad and see if you can work from there. Try something romantic, most women are a sucka for romance. Suprise her with a candle lit dinner one night or something (I know your schedule must be tight with your job but try!!). Then talk to her about the future of the two of you and the children. If she is not willing to meet you half way, then move on, any woman would be lucky to have a man like you. I wish you all the best. Been there done that. Dude, leave now. It will only get worse. I assume it was her idea to relocate near her family. That way if you two broke up she'd have someone to lean on nearby. Get out before it's too late. Your son would be better off seeing two parents happy than growing up thinking that love is with both people being miserable. Your relationship is an example remember. My exwife for example saw everytime her mom was unhappy she divorced (3 times). My current fianc猫's parents never hugged or kissed so when I go to hold her hand or kiss her she thinks she's being smothered. She's out of that now but it was hard at first. I stayed in my marriage for the sake of my children and was miserable. I was trying to keep our family together no matter what while he didn't care at all about the marriage. You cannot be an effective parent when you are so unhappy. How is that fulfilling? Breaking up a family is a very serious decision. Children can feel the tension and the discord between parents and they will act out accordingly. If there is a glimmer of hope to make this relationship work as partners, lovers and friends then it's going to take alot of hard work from both of you. If you know the marriage will fail then get out when you still can be civil to each other. No No No. I just got divorced from a man I was married to for 36 years and separated from for 3 years. What a waste of my life and our 5 kids, especially the boys, did not benefit by the two of us staying together. I now wish I would have left years ago. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Your right, it hurts. honest it be harder on the child, not only you an your wife be at each other, the child will see bouth of you fight, may be if you an her could part on friendly term, you an her could get back together latter, but eather way, stay in your son life, rember he need you both Staying together just for your son is just silly. Your son I'm sure can sense the tension between you and your wife and that is not a healthy situation for a child to grow up in. You and your wife need to be fair. It is not healthy for either of you to be in a relationship with out love. And the longer you put off the split the harder it will be on everyone especially your son. It is not good to stay together for the children when one or the other parents do not love each other. The child grows up to think that it is normal to lack love, respect, or companionship. You deserve to loved and respected and to be happy. You are not being selfish or insensitive, you want what everyone else wants in a good relationship. It's not fair to you or your son in the long run to stay. When the parents are happier...whether together or separate, the children are happier. You really deserve someone who will love you with all of their heart...and one day you will find that person. If you wait years, you will regret that you wasted so many years in a loveless relationship, and didn't leave when you could have. Good Luck... "Vero" said it all, if this is how you feel. You need to follow your heart. Don't waste your time on someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you. Whether you and your wife live together or not, the important thing where your child is concerned is that he knows he has two loving parents who are there for him regardless of who has custody. You could always go for joint custody too if you live close enough. Besides, what will your son learn about relationships by living in a house where mom and dad never show each other affection? You deserve a loving partner who will show you the same attention and devotion that you show her. Your son will be a man some day and he'll experience relationships for himself. Wouldn't you rather he go into that experience with a realistic perspective versus whatever loveless example you and his mother are setting for him now? You need to stay together, FOR YOUR SON . Kids do come first, but you can't deprive yourself of happiness, and kid will be much happier if he sees both parents in happy relationships, then if you two will stay together and hate each other. Kids feel that emotionally alot more. well, it would feel wrong staying with her but it would be bad to separate. It would hurt your children even more. to have one only parent. maybe just talk to her and to talk about an agreement that wouldn't hurt your kids. Come on now dude, your a father and a grown man, do you really think that if you stay with your wife that it will make either one of you happy, along with making your children happy. I'd leave your wife if i were you just to make something better for yourself and your children. Find someone who wil love you for you and be there for you through thick and thin. Your children will also be alot happier to know that their parents are happy apart. No, the children know there parents aren't getting along. What happens if an when you meet someone? Free yourself from this situation before that happens. People need to be needed both sexually,emotionally. Do not deprive your self of these things. no....that is why so many people stay unhappy...they think it will scar their children if they separate...but it want...kids are resilient....they always bounce back...but it isnt fair to you to be gone so much and then when you do see her she doesnt show any love for you....or even act like she is happy to see you...or that is what I am getting from what you said....I would leave...I was married to a man for 4 years...he abused me and I stayed for my son....well....the abused got worse and worse...till I finally left....he was almost 3 when I did....I was happy after I left......and my son...he is fine.....so enjoy life again....divorce her and find someone that can appreciate you....hope this helped...good luck!! I stayed in a marriage because of children, and I would not recommend it. You can still have a good relationship with your wife, and an excellent one with your child. It won't be easier to leave when your son is older, as you will be faced with explaining why you stayed in the first place, and then your child will have doubts on relationships, etc, because of your example. IF you are not in a loving and respectful relationship, get out......... If you haven't lived with your family for over a year it sounds like you already left. The only thing to do is make is "official". There is no benefit to staying together for the kids. Children need to see healthy loving relationships not tension and resentment. first of all. how long have you two been married.#2. it does not help any child knowing that his parents do not want anything to do with each other. an home with no love only makes it harder for your son. it will be for the better if you or your wife move out of the home. keep your relationship with your son,mostly by having joint custody,see him often as you can,be involve in his life,. next is she only using you to pay for the new home and other bills? next does she work? i was somewhat in your same problem except i had 2 daughters- she was mentally abusive to me,no physically touching,sex,just an person to order around,we did not even slept in the same room. it got to a point that i said enought is enought. at first m 2 daughters did not understand when i left home they were age 6 and 7. i got an divorce,made sure that i could see my daughters every 2 weeks and i tried to keep to that.however after 2 yrs,she kept coming up with sometype of an excuse to kept me from seeing my 2 daughters that i had to go back to court to get her to let me see them. then she moved, and the only way that i could see them was to call her parents,as this i ended up loosing track of them. last time i saw oldest daughter to when i finally heard from her it was 12 yrs, as for youngest daughter it was 13 yrs and found out that she had married and was living at New Orleans. so here i missed out on seeing them growing up, missed out on them graudate from high school and more all because of their mother. and now they both hate her to the point that they wish she was dead. and i meet an nice woman and i married her. has been wounderfull. With every relationship there are pros and cons. I think you should do what is good for you. If you do not take care of yourself then how are you going to take care of your kids. Your kids are more then likely feeling the stress in the house. Some people do not realize how smart kids are and do not give them the credit they deserve. Remember your kids are learning from what you do and your spouse. A divorce with kids is no fun either. I went though one with 2 kids and believe me it was no picnic but I knew deep down it was the best thing for me, them and him. She is moving so she has her family to support her and if you file a divorce after you move there then neither party will be able to move the kids out of state without the other parties permission. You will more then likely have to pay child support. If you do decide ti file I would file for joint custody. No you are not being selfish, yes there is a child involved but that child is top priority. And one thing I have learned is that you should never stay together for the children. It actually does more harm to them then you think. They notice and sense a lot more than what we give them credit for. As a child of parents who only stayed together "because of the kids", I say GET OUT NOW. As a kid, I hated the unhappiness, arguing, tension, and constant division. I heard too much and knew too much, and lost my faith in the idea of relationships and marriage because of their "good" intentions. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope everything works out for you. |
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