Trouble with the mother-in-law?

I have a few concerns about how my mother in law is acting since she found out I am pregnant. I always had a good relationship with her even though she tends to get a little pushy or bossy but I used to ignore it. Now, the real problem lies that she takes it for granted to be in the birthing room with me and even told me several times that she will be right there helping the doctor or midwife and holding my legs LOL!!! I know this is kind of funny at first, but I am really getting bothered by the thought. My hubby just says if I try to tell her no I will have to deal with the consequences and I dont know what he means by that. She wants to run the show during my labor and birth and I remember how she budded in with her other grandchild. She even says that she will move close to us when my baby is here, she now lives way across the country but travels. She is a traveling nurse. I just want privacy and bonding time with my baby and I don't know how to let her know that she is being pushy

I am a nurse in Labor & Delivery and we have to help patients deal with pushy folks every day of the year!

You have to make the decision that will keep the peace in the family but also will be what you are comfortable with. Pushy mothers-in-law are so common, and nurses are even pushier, so let me give you my sympathy now.

One option (that I would choose if I were in your shoes) is to play along and let her think what she wants from now until the birth. Don't say "yes you can be there". Just smile and nod and play along, but if she point blank asks you if you are going to allow her in the room give a vague response. Something like "I can't even think about that yet", or " I have no idea, I don't even know the visitors policy at the hospital" and play dumb. Every hospital has a different policy for visitors in L&D and some are now getting VERY strict on how many people are allowed in the room. On the unit that I work there are only 3 visitors allowed in the room(including Dad), period. No switching out, no changing the names. We write the name of each person down and you have to get buzzed through the door when you enter. There's a camera and an intercom and if your name isn't on the list you don't get in. If you try to sneak people in with you we call security.

You never know what the situation will be when you acutally give birth. You may need a C-Section (for whatever reason) and if so, she won't be able to be in there anyway b/c they only allow one person in OR which is always Dad. (Even pushy mothers that are nurses don't get past the anesthesiologist!) You may have a rapid labor and she might not make it to the hospital. She might get hit by a bus during your pregnancy (sorry, I couldn't resist..I hated my mother in law!) So in these cases you would have stirred her up by telling her she can't be in the room for nothing!

Also, alot of physicians/midwives will help you out if you ask. If you have a compassionate provider that you bond well with, ask that person (when you're admitted into the hospital) if they will help you handle the delicate situation so you don't have to be the bad guy. Nurses will also help with this most of the time, but you have to explain the situation EARLY when you get admitted for delivery so they don't put their foot in their mouth in front of your mother in law.

It's also very important to get your husband on the same page as you. He has to know and agree that if it comes down to the nitty gritty and his Mom is showing out he absolutely HAS to be on your side. No wavering back and forth and making you look bad by saying it's all you. You will be under enough stress while in labor that he is going to have to step up and handle these things for you with no questions asked and without throwing you under the bus to save face with his Mom. Good luck and stand firm!

tell her straight up...in a nice way =)

well, i know how mother in laws can be and i understand that you want room and i would too, you should take her out to dinner or something and tell her your need of privacy, she may not like the way it sounds and may even be hurt a little bit, but he needs to understand talk to your husband too and you both need to jump out on your own, tell her you need space.

Best Of Luck :)

You just need to be honest with her. Remember, this is your baby and your labor and delivery experience. You need to chose who you want to be in the room with you, and let your doctor and nurse at the hospital know too. They will not let anybody in that you don't want there. Also, talk with your mother-in-law. Most of the time, people are pretty understanding. If she's not, you'll just have to let it go. She'll be angry at first, but if she wants to continue a healthy relationship with you, she needs to know her boundries, and get over it.

Tell her the hospital won't allow it and make sure the hospital doesn't.

Ask the hospital if nurses that don't practice there are allowed and if they say yes, then tell them not to let her in.

She will get over it, and once the baby is born have your hubby tell her. It's his mother so it's his responsibility!

Congrats!

Your baby, your life, tell her no. Say you are modest and it's not happening.

Your hubby needs to stand up to his mom. He sounds like a pretty weak guy.

You tell her that she will not be informed when you go into labor, that she is not coming into the room, and this is your baby. You will let her know when she can visit.

She's only pushy because you don't know how to let her know otherwise. She wouldn't try this if she thought you would stand up to her. She's just using her age and your natural respect for her to get her way. Nothing mysterious.

Tell her no. And sounds like you can expect your husband to be no help. Tell her she's not your mom, you are sorry but you prefer your own mom and that's how it is going to be. If she wants war, she loses. I bet she doesn't try to start a war. Your husband sounds so weak that he isn't going to do her bidding with you. Just tell her no, sorry.

Unlucky for you, she isn't going to drop out of your lives. That would be the best thing. You are going to have no end of trouble until you tell her that it is your baby, your life, and when she is invited she can come.

However, if you are too timid to do that, then you can learn the hard way that she's a bit of a bully.

I know a mom who bullied her daughter constantly. She finally got the oldest child to move in with her, after she put down the real mom and dad all the time. The oldest child turned out to be a serious brat from being spoiled by grandma.

you have to tak control of ;your family now. Tell the mother in law what the rules are. If she doesn't like them, she can disappear. And what would be the downside to YOU if she did disappear? Sounds like it would only benefit you and result in the peaceful life you want.

I agree with the first answer. I've been where you are and stop it before it goes too far. As opposed to a nice reminder that this is YOUR moment, you need to TELL her right now. I know moms and MILs get excited and pushy and bossy, but I let my mom and MIL in the room when I was laboring, thank god I needed a C-section and they couldn't be there for the actualy delivery. They had so many polite ways to tell me I was "doing it all wrong" and trying to control everything, and I understand their intentions were good and they were trying to help out, but it was a total nightmare! I decided before I'd even given birth that for our next child, I will allow no visitors until the baby is born. It was sooo stressfull andI didn't get to 'enjoy' it, you know the last moments being pregnant nd getting ready to meet my baby. JUst don't let them take control. Remind her that even though she may be a nurse, you do not want her to enter your birthing room with the nurse mentallity, that she is simply there to witness her grandchilds birth, and that is all, she is a witness and support for when you ASK for it. Do not let her overstep hr boundaries, it is completely on you to make sure of that. Good luck with the situation and I wish you a easy delivery with a healthy/happy baby! Congrats!

Talk with your husband, and ask him to clarify what he meant. He knows her best and what her potential reactions to such a request may be.

Don't be afraid to stand up for what you need and want. While I'm sure your pregnancy is an emotionally charged event for her as well as you (especially if you are married to her only son), she does not have the right to impose her own needs and wants over your own. I'm sure you don't want to hurt her feelings, and seeing as you married her son, you probably feel she did a fine job of raising her own. However, this you and your husband's child, not hers, and she needs to take the backseat instead of trying to be the driver.

Try the nice approach first - "We (I) appreciate all that you have done and will do in the future, and while we (I) want to share the joy of this experience with all of our family and friends, we (I) do have some concerns. We (I) feel that our (my) wishes, needs, wants, etc. in this situation are being overlooked in favor of your own desires for a certain level of involvement. This is not acceptable to me for the following reasons....What I would like to suggest instead is...."

If nice doesn't work, then you may need to be more firm.

Tell her what you told us , i didn"t want anyone in their either, that"s your baby stand up to her now or it will only get worse and your hubby should support you

Well I am a pro at setting bounderies with family. Here is most likely what will happen and what your husband means by 'deal with the consequences'. This is my opinion from my experiences.

You will say to her, very nicely and firmly that it is your life and that you dont' want her to live too close and that you will not require her in the labour room. She will than become upset that you 'hurt her'. She may throw guilt trips and even become emotional and withdrawn. Or lash out in the 'pain you have caused her'. She may use guilt trips like 'you are keeping her from her grandchildren'. She will of course blame you. As long as she can blame you, she wont' need to look at her own behavoir as she is 'obviously the victim'. She will most likely than get people on 'her side' and rub it in your face that so and so agrees with her.

That is my experience. You mention that she has been bossy in the past. The problem is that you have let it become a pattern.If you have said soemthing the first time, than she would have already been put in her spot. now you need to rock the boat, and change the rules of the relationship or let her run you over. This will be upsetting to her as the relationship was working just fine for her the way it was. The longer this has been going on, the more she will buck it.

There is also a chance that she will refuse to hear you or simply cannot hear you because that is so countrary to what she beleives should be done. In that case you will need to follow up your words with actions a letter and if needed, some sort of 'action' to let her know you are serious. In my case i had to acutally change my phone number to get away from my family.

But that was because I was breaking a pattern of how I allowed myself to be treated for 28 years. I am sure that it will not be that tramatic for you as this most likely is not a 28 year old problem and your husband sounds like he will back you up.

Good luck and do what is best for you. Don't let her take this from you.

Sorry this was such a negative answer. I react strongly to people being 'walked over' because I have been there.

You need to do whats right for you. It is not her baby, it's yours. Its your decision to make not anyone else's. Tell her where she stands.

OK , Michelle, I had a similar problem, I ended up telling my MIL I wanted it to just be me Hubby and Myself. She wasn't happy but that's the way it is, consiquenses sounds like a threat and i don't like that. I know it's his mom but c'mon now don't you have a say? The only problem lies, do you have anyone else besides your hubby that you want in the roomwith you? ie your mom sister (if you have on i'm drawing a blank). If you do the it's really going to be alot harder to say no to your MIL. Nicely tell her that you want it to be private, (in the hosp) most hospitals will abide by the MOTHER"S wishes. As far as after the baby, honestly the help would be good.. i couldn't have done it without my hubby, i was utterly exhausted for about a month after she was born. (btw she is 4 mo now) when my hubby went back to work (he took a vacation) i was soooo scared to be alone with her. but it was awesome. so either way you go on that would probably be fine really. but tell her you love her, and you respect her and you thank her for everything, but the birth ESP you want to be private. Best of luck to you Chica. E-mail me:) Cat

tell her your concerns. labor is about you and the baby....not labor and her, when the baby comes you are the BOSS! If you tell the nurse to get her out, they will and not let her in. If you just want you and your hubby their it is your choice. She will get over it in time, and if not you may not want someone that pushy in your life anyway.

I know exactly how you feel. I went through it with my mom and Mother-in-law!!! Ok..All you need to do is plan it the way you and your husband want it!! Thats what we did and told the doctors that we were the only one to be in there. When it comes time to have it the doctors will tell them they have to leave. Also we sat down together and told each of them our wishes (that we wanted to make our little family together and alone) This is your decision!!! And they will get over it as soon as they see the little bundle of joy!!

As far as her wanting to but in. Just talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Maybe take her out to lunch one day or for coffee whatever yall like to do and ask her if you can have a heart to heart! Then just tell her in a kind way what is bothering you. Tell her you love helpful advice when it is needed or asked but you need to feel free to raise your child without pressure from her what your doing "wrong" and so on. Also tell her that it is your and your husband child and yall wish to raise it the way you see best...So on..Just sitting and talking it out will help!! I promise!!

Good luck and congrats on the baby!!!