What do you think of this poem?!?!? (work-in-progress)?

As drift she did to blissful dream,
Soft before her eyes did gleam

A light that shone with brilliant spark
And stirred the creature from the dark.

He met her eyes with gaze so grand
As gracefully he took her hand
To leave behind the world she knew,
She felt his grasp and on they flew.

As look she did below her feet
While soaring high above the street
The scenes beneath consumed her stare
And she marveled at the people there.

They moved about so tightly wound;
Their minds as feet with shackles bound.
Thoughts of nothing filled their heads
While nightly sleeping in their beds.

So frown she did upon the race
That knew nothing of this spectral place
Through which she flew without a care,
With the mysterious stranger; ever-fair.

Her heart, in silence, churned within
As he turned and spoke with knowing grin;
鈥淭he earth does view a lie called time;
The skies shall trade for truth named rhyme.鈥?/div>

3 months ago

Report It

I thnk that you need to work a bit to make the meter more consistent, and I think you should try to revise it to make the syntax sound less forced. You use a reversed subject-verb order a lot in this poem, and it sounds as if you are trying to be "poetic", instead of letting the power of the language speak for itself. Build strong images, and you don't need to have stilted phrasing. Check out some of A.A. Milne's work (particularly the collection "When We Were Very Young") to see masterful use of meter and rhyme that also sounds absolutely natural. This poem has potential, but it needs some careful revision. Try to make every word count.

Good luck!

Suggest "She drifted into blissless dream, and then her inner eye did gleam, with light that shone with hidden spark, which stirred a creature from the dark."
A beautiful poem, generally. Early 19th C style like Shelley. Try to make the story it tells more obvious to the reader.

nice and superb poem..........

Tags

　　Nurse Call 　　Journal of Nursing 　　International Nurse 　　Senior Nursing 　　Elderly Care 　　Wound Care 　　Home Nursing 　　Private Nurse 　　Male Nurse 　　Nursing Career 　　Nursing Job 　　Nursing Association

Related information

Ok.. . So Is Hillary Always a Woman to you ?

Wow, you certainly did hit the nail on the head! Very good! While it is almost certain that Hillary is a woman since she bore a child, and she does fit Joel's description, I would hope that ...

Question about morals?

Yes, I agree. Not long ago I was visiting another one of my company's offices in another city. I arrived about 10am and almost ran over a homeless man who was passed out in the shadows th...

My evil mother in law loves my husband's ex-girlfriend! Help!?

She only loves the ex-girlfriend because he didn't marry her. She only hates you because he did. The crazy MIL is pretty normal. I suggest you do as she suggested: stop coming around. By co...

How much is a scar worth in court?

If you recieved shoddy services from the ER, there is no reason you should not be able at the very least be compensated for the cost of the bill. If you went to a different doctor and they did the ...

Testing123?

Testing WHO dillwad. Go to your "expert" & tell him to bite me!

...

And another one?

i usually don't read ones this long but it was great lol !!! i even printed it off to show a friend thanx

...

Is there any way that a CANCER patient dies painlessly....Please tell me,it's emergency.............?

You need to talk to the oncology team. Her pain can be very well controlled with medication. There is no reason anymore for people dying with cancer to suffer terribly.

...

Hes everthing you want?

You're boyfriend might mean everything to you, but do you really want to spend your life pretending, if you don't feel complete? You love eachother, but you can feel love for more than o...